How many people work in safeguarding? About half

My data release by the authorities to the perpetrator of my childhood abuse involved many parties.

Durham Police raised the initial report to safeguard my mother. In the report to safeguard my mother it contained the following information:

1. That I had suffered sexual assaults and physical assaults by my father.

2 . The specific town I was receiving treatment. It named the job role of the person I was seeing for that help. It wouldn’t be too difficult to find me.

3. That I was not yet “strong enough” to have an Achieving Best Evidence interview.

4. It named a woman not even related to our family or anything to do with the case.

5. Other personal data in relation to my abuse

This report contained my personal sexual and medical data which was purportedly released to North Wales Police to safeguard my mother. My mother is classed as a vulnerable adult because of her physical frailty.

I specifically explained to the police in my interview that my mother was only at risk of physical abuse and, I believed, financial abuse.

I reported that I had instructed a solicitor to act on her behalf. I furnished them with the details, offering them the opportunity to speak to her legal team if they needed to gather any information or further clarification about her situation.

Knowledge of the treatment I was receiving would not further safeguard my mother, the fact I was not “strong enough ” would not safeguard my mother. How could it? He’d just recently sexually abused me, I had attempted to throw myself off a motorway bridge, clearly I wasn’t strong enough to be interviewed.

Most of the information contained within the report in terms of safeguarding my mother was irrelevant. Regardless, Durham Police passed (I’ve now found out two reports although they sneakily omitted to tell me- naughty naughty) to North Wales Police.

North Wales Police read the report, and like Durham, failed to redact the relevant information. In other words, they failed to remove my personal sensitive details. My report was then passed to Gwynedd Adult & Child Social Services. In amongst all of this my home address was also disclosed.

There was no need to release my information to North Wales Police who were already aware of my situation. My situation was very different from my mothers. Mine was historical sexual and physical abuse. Mine was a serious sexual violent crime but I didn’t disclose details. As strange as it sounds I cannot physically speak about it. I’m too scared. I didn’t want to prosecute. I had moved miles away and I just wanted to recover and get on with my life. My father was always scared of a historical prosecution. That was his worst fear. I was not about to kick the hornets nest. That was dangerous for me and safeguarding was going to make my life so much more worse.

My mother suffered a minor assault. That was disgraceful as she was in a minimally conscious state. Our experiences are different and certainly not related. My father had used his fist to forcibly open my mother’s mouth in order for her to comply with suctioning (which he was not qualified to do in the first place). Social Services investigated,  poorly in my opinion, but believed his version of events which would not really have been possible anyway but hey ho.

However, my data should have been redacted as there was no benefit to release such personal sensitive details about me to anyone to safeguard someone else. At the least risk assessments should have been completed as directed by the Data  Protection Act and GDPR.

North Wales Police released the exact report Durham had sent to them, unredacted, to Gwynedd Social Services. They then sent it to the muppets in the health board (who sent it to their complaints department?), it was then sent to a private company, the deputy manager at my mother’s home (who are criticised in the press and required to make improvements by the care commission or equivalent)

The details of my police  report had been passed to my father in readiness for the safeguarding meeting ! It was also sent to child social services, despite us not being children, and other places. My father commented upon it. His comments are noted in the safeguarding meeting. I was not even notified about the meeting  nor given the opportunity to comment. How utterly bizarre that safeguarding will take the views of a perpetrator and not even attempt to  speak to the two victims?

Just to make this clear the perpetrator was given comprehensive details of the victims police report including address (confirmed by North Wales Police that my home address was given). The report gave details of who I was seeing for treatment and where  and other confidential sensitive data about me.

Im graded as high risk of harm from my father. When I get questioned I  couldn’t speak of some things I get too distressed despite other evidence. My father now has access to me. I cannot report things because I have not been reassured by North Wales Police that releasing abuse victims data to perpetrators is not normal procedure. In fact none of the forces have said that this s not normal practice.

North Wales Police have had my complaint of my data release for over six month. It was left and ignored. I had to fight for an investigation. I’m still waiting for an outcome. I’m at high risk from my father and my GP says I’m now a high risk of Suicide. This is not only down to my father.  I know what he is. I’m used to him. I thought I had escaped but then safeguarding stepped in and handed me to him on a  plate. They argue amongst themselves (via me) who is not to blame. They tell me how to change my behaviour to stop being abused. All the while the paedophile is free to go abroad and abuse. How backwards.

My father’s voice was and continues to be championed by those in the safeguarding meeting and beyond. Me, they try to silence me. Like the abuser. Just on a grander scale. He is so manipulative and duplicitous he is obviously just seen as a misunderstood man. He’s an abuser and a manipulator with many years of practice.

I could have certainly provided them with childhood statement from my friend who I told at 13 I was being abused, or my medical records and, outrageously, it’s even alluded to on my mother’s medical records which I have copies. I could even pass them emails, letters  and other things.

It’s so dangerous that the police described him as coercive and controlling (he is) and then he controls the people who attend all the same meetings about my mother. It’s same people who is charming. When the same safeguarding team ask if there are any concerns about my father and other family members none is raised despite them knowing full well they have fed my mother who is nil by mouth. It’s noted on her medical records their concerns about them feeding her. However my father is that great guy. Abusers generally are.

The safeguarding  services are so poor and so manipulated by him that when my father made a minor admittance of forcibly opening my mother’s mouth to suction her it is minimised in their minutes on each occasion. Even social services are inaccurately recording his lies.  Well done Gwynedd Council safeguarding team. My father even forgets his own lies which I have in writing which he has put to various authorities. My mother’s solicitor was so concerned about his behaviour towards me. She refused to pass me some things he wrote about me saying it was vile. She said his behaviour was obsessive towards me.

I have written confirmation from Gwynedd Council that they passed my police report to my father. I have had this for many  months. I told the police I had this confirmation.

Today I received an extremely bizarre email from the Data Protection Officer stating that they did not pass my report to anyone outside those who attended the safeguarding meeting, including my father who did not get a copy, as it’s not their policy. So I have one email stating they did pass it to him and today, months later, one stating it did not even happen. Now I accept Friday afternoon frivolities but this email was verging among ridiculous.

I would like to think if officials are going to lie they are a bit smarter. It is clear from their own minutes the report was passed to my father. It’s obvious. His comments are in it. It even states he was asked to comment. The report  was certainly passed outside safeguarding because I have a letter from a company which demonstrates a discussion between two named people about my police report. It had also been passed to the Health board complaints team for no apparent reason. I have all of this in writing.

Why on earth would I get this folly in writing from Gwynedd Council today?  What is more insulting is that I am told they will not respond to any of my emails or questions I have about this. So Gwynedd Council Safeguarding put victims of  sexual abuse in danger, admit in writing they passed the report to the sexual abuser, several months later completely deny it and then state they refuse to communicate with you about it! They again champion the abusers voice and silence the victims.

Wow. These people safeguard your elderly and children. They are protecting a paedophile. It’s astonishing that safeguarding protects abusers.

North Wales Police and Durham have no control over their data. Remember that if you report  anything. In fact my advice would be don’t bother.

In my view, Gwynedd Social Services are one of the most inept services I’ve ever come across. I’m not the first person to say this either. I would not trust them to safeguard a healthy hamster 🐹 let alone vulnerable adults and children. However, unfortunately the county of Gwynedd is stuck with them.

Children  and adults in that county deserves so much better. I deserve better. Fuck you Gwynedd Council. And Fuck you North Wales Police you bureaucratic fuckwaffles

The title- How Many People Work in Safeguarding? 

The answer is about half

I wanted the title to be How Many People Work in Gwynedd Council Safeguarding but the answer of a half of them seemed too generous


Under His Eye

Many will be familiar with the Handmaid’s Tale, the work of author Margaret Atwood, which is about a totalitarian oppressed Christian society based in the fictional state of Gilead. Women in particular are oppressed by powerful men.

The story focuses upon the Handmaids who are fertile women whose social function is to solely bear children for the infertile wives of the Commanding Officers of Gilead. The Handmaids are not allowed to use their own birth names but are given the male names of the master they serve.  The main character is Offred or, Of Fred, her master being Fred.

Gilead claims to be a “blessed” and Christian society where the rape of the Handmaid is redefined as a necessary religious “ceremony” to fulfill God’s word of procreation. “Blessed be the fruit” and “May the Lord open”, are commonly used greetings to Handmaids to encourage fertility amongst the young women. It is also a subtle sign of their place within the dystopian Gilead state.

The wives of the Commanders partake in the “ceremony” by physically restraining the Handmaids during the rape to prevent anything more than a mere procreation “ceremony”. Lust is a sin and therefore cannot be seen to reach the bedroom.

The tension caused between the two women is notable. The wife is aggrieved that she is unable to bear a child but also her husband is having intercourse with another woman. The Handmaids are frightened and angry because they are being held down by a wife ready to be raped by her husband. Publicly there can be no obvious dissent between the women, they are the lesser class, just some are a lesser class than others. Open friction would destroy the perfect “blessed” foundation of the state. Clearly, the Commanding Officers have sex on demand with Handmaids out of the allotted fertile ceremonial times. They also seek out the local forced prostitutes in the outlawed brothels. The commanders can because they hold the power. They police themselves. The balance of power is tipped in favour of the men. Just some men have more power than others.

The Handmaids Tale reflects the two biblical stories in Genesis where Rachel, who is Jacob’s infertile wife, offers her handmaid Bilhah to be a surrogate mother on her behalf. Her sister Leah does the same with her handmaid.   It is also said in the bible that Abraham has sex with his wife’s handmaid, Hagar.

In Atwood’s tale the handmaids have no choice and are forced into this position.  They have no escape.  Any transgressions are dealt with using biblical proportions, for example, in the TV adaptation of the book (not in the book) one of the central characters, Janine, has a public mental breakdown because of her abuse. She was gang raped at 14 prior to the establishment of Gilead, and was vocally opposed to the training regime imposed upon Handmaids. Her dissent cost her an eye as instructed in the Bible.

In the book, those in charge, convince Janine that she was to blame for being raped. The other Handmaids are forced to openly ridicule and mock her.  Her commanding officer claims to “love” her when in fact he is lying in order to manipulate her to gain extra marital sex outside the fertile ceremonial times.

Poor Janine doesn’t fit into Gilead’s perfect “blessed” society. But she’s fertile and therefore an asset in a world where the population is rapidly diminishing.

Janine screams, cries and is unable to comply with the order of things imposed upon her. She cannot understand the chaos, Gilead’s rules or unfairness. She’s unpredictable, she makes a suicide attempt and she is beaten on a regular basis. The handmaids are forced to stone Janine after her suicide attempt because she put a baby in danger. They refuse. Their punishment is a mock hanging. The Handmaids are terrified.  Any dissent is crushed.

We don’t know what happens to Janine in the book because she has a minor role but is very much expanded for the television series.

Many abused victims can probably relate to her. Janine sees the unfairness in her situation. Initially she tells her abuser, an arm of the state, to “fuck off”. She is seen as the problem. Not her abusers. She is slowly strangled into silence, that spark, that fight, that light in Janine slowly but surely dwindles and then burns out. She knows she can no longer scream, she has already been severely punished for screaming about the unfairness of what happened to her, she sees her only option of escape from the unfairness as suicide.

She is punished for her failed suicide attempts. A bit like my own experiences. Punished by the state for their failures.

The state then abuses her again deeming her to be the problem. No matter how hard she tries to conform with the rules and further unfairness the continued abuse shakes her her centrally to the core. She bursts. She can no longer maintain the Handmaids expected levels of societal decorum even if that keeps her alive. She is then punished again and the cycle continues.

In a good system the state would not abuse its citizens. In a fair system those who were abused by others would be protected. I believe that we live in a dystopian state as far as abuse victims are concerned. The state massively fails victims. I also believe they are deliberately cruel to victims. Many victims will question what is justice anyway and seek their own justice. By that I do not mean vigilantism.  They seek justice by finding ways of recovery because they know they can never seek fair legal redress.  How unfair is that?  We would never expect robbery victims, or those who were knocked over by drunk drivers not to get some form of legal redress. Therefore why are abuse victims having to live without any form of legal help or redress?

Sadly you don’t have to look too far to find accounts of horrendous cruelty towards victims of abuse. Not only by the abuser but by arms of the state. The very people who were meant to protect us have utterly failed us. These people are paid a lot of taxpayers money to protect the vulnerable yet drastically fail to do so. We are once again bullied and cajoled into silence. We read that the police take historic abuse cases seriously. We laugh and then cry. We do not see this as true.

Although Janine’s story seems an extreme situation, state sanctioned rape and eye removal for transgressions, many adult survivors of abuse die by suicide, have a shortened life span and do not reach their full potential. Clearly the abuser is partly to blame but the state wholly fails us and facilitates and perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Blame also has to firmly lie on the shoulders of the state.

Abuse survivors are failed by the police and when they complain they are threatened with social services to have their own children removed from their care, men abused who come forward to report childhood sexual abuse are laughed out of police stations, women are told that they need to leave their marital property as their life is in danger from violent partners, children taken back to their abusers by the police after making statements against them. This is highlighting a few failures. There is also Rotherham, Medomsley in Consett, Jimmy Saville to name but a few.

In a fair society, when these terrible crimes happened, complaints would be dealt with properly without threat to victims who would be listened to. The violent partners would be removed from the property, not victims, and children would never be taken back to abusers to be abused. Finally, the victims information (address and what treatment they receive) would never be passed to the perpetrators under any circumstances. Are you listening Gwynedd Social Services, Durham Police and North Wales Police? My case is not in isolation either.  Someone disclosed to me that another local authority down south did the same to them and disclosed their details to their abuser.

Abuse victims are silenced. The abuser depends on their silence for the freedom  to continue the cycle of abuse. Sometimes we find a voice. It’s not easy. When we speak out we are silenced. Like Janine, we might be shouting how fucking unfair it is but when you get some overpaid, undereducated and ill informed social worker, medical professional or police officer perpetuating the abuse it’s soul destroying. We want to scream “fuck you!” We don’t want to fit into your useless bureaucratic rules. They mean jack shit to us. Then we become the problem.

We don’t conform and, like in the state of Gilead, we are seen as the problem and we are punished again. We don’t deserve that. We have had years of conforming. We have had years of watching every single mood, feeling and behaviour of the abuser, picking up tiny nuances, to try and determine if we will be hit, raped or taken to the park. Our life depended on reading these signs. So if we offend you we don’t fucking care. When we eventually find our voices it’s harder to conform. We burst like Janine. So would you. So would anybody who has sex regularly forced upon them against their will. So would you if you had silenced forced upon you.

The perpetrators are not punished. The perpetrators are not seen as the problem. The perpetrators are silently watching in the background planning their move to find the next child to rape. However, the so called state authorities are so busy admonishing how the victims fail to conform to their rules, they force their will upon them to silence them further, resulting in more trauma and more abuse.

When the Handmaids formally say goodbye to one another they use the words, “under his eye”.  It has a Christian meaning in Atwood’s book. It refers to God who is watching the Handmaids in this “blessed” religious society.

It also has a dark undertone, being the powerful human elements who live in the society of Gilead, watching everyone closely with the big brother eye creating fear and distrust amongst one another. People are frightened of being reported to the secret police or the Eye.


There is notable distrust and fear amongst victims of abuse particularly with the authorities and medical profession. It’s a justified mistrust.  The victims are not starting from a position of confidence or strength.  That doesn’t meant they are not strong. They are strong. If they came together they could smash the system.

Each and every victim I have connected with has had very poor experiences with safeguarding services. I believe each story of those victims I have heard. Each of those victims are closely scrutinised by those services and “under his eye ” when they complain.

The state is monitoring the victims when things go wrong to make sure they don’t complain or, if they do, they heavily stifle them. The state cajoles the victims into submission, it blames them and reports them to other authorities, similar to the behaviour of our abusers. These are the people we are meant to trust who are supposed to help us. These are the people who are protecting our children? That fills me with horror. It fills the survivors with first hand experience of abuse and those services with horror.

“Under his eye” is a reminder to the Handmaids that they are being monitored by God Almighty, each other and the secret police. Maybe we are not too far from being “under his eye” when we complain about the police and social services. The police monitor themselves. They monitor us. We are punished. They are not. We are ordered to modify our behaviour. They are not. We are seen as the problem. They are not.

We shall rise. We shall not be silenced. If they didn’t want an army to rise and rebel against them to fight for change then they should not have allowed us to share our stories with each other. So fuck the authorities. Fuck you!

Suicide and me

It’s very hard to explain to someone who has never been suicidal the reasons why you would choose to terminate your own life.

I understand many people have lost relatives to suicide and it must be horrendously painful for them to understand the reason why someone who purports to love them kills themselves. Whilst I cannot answer for everyone else I do believe absolute despair and desperation is the key to the thoughts racing through a suicidal person’s mind. I’m a true believer that we need to be able to openly discuss suicide without fear of the police knocking on our door or being locked up in some institution. Trauma and/or despair leads to suicide and what do we do? Label someone mad, drug them and lock them up!

A paedophile caught and convicted with serious child porn sometimes isn’t even locked up, certainly isn’t drugged by the authorities nor are they labelled mad. Many are not convicted, it’s too difficult, victims are not believed and the abusers are left wandering the streets (no doubt with conditions if convicted and that’s a big if) free to find their next victim. Where is the justice in that? What kind of society have we become when this is seen as acceptable?

There is a much kinder way to deal with suicidal people. We haven’t got it yet. We need to get it. We need to get it fucking fast.

I have met with a friend and laughed with them prior to a serious suicide attempt. Suicide is a cloak with many masks. I know families will blame themselves wondering how they failed to recognise the signs of suicide. Sometimes the signs are not so obvious. In fact, sometimes the signs are exactly the opposite of obvious and, what is portrayed by the media, of how a suicidal person should behave.

In my depths of deep despair I know the world will be better off without me. Regardless of whether or not that is true it is something I truly believe. My father instilled that into me. He definitely doesn’t want me here. He told me. Then he can be assured I remain forever silent and keep my big mouth shut. It’s a hard battle to continually fight. I’m fighting him. I am fighting the authorities and I’m fighting flashbacks and disassociation. It’s a one woman army and I know I will lose.

The authorities give him my address leading him to me, they tell him where I am receiving my treatment and other personal data. They then tell me to change my behaviour to stop being  abused. When I complain about my data breach they call social services deeming me an unfit person because I call them beaucratic fuckwaffles. I still stand by that. They are fuckwaffles. They investigate themselves. The police  police themselves and find no wrong doing in themselves. Social services investigate themselves and find no wrong doing. It’s like a kangaroo court. I point this out.

I am a person who is wanting to terminate my own life because of what has happened to me. So desperate that I try to do so. I have practice runs. Nobody is there to help you. The authorities gave the abuser unfettered access to two victims and justified it as safeguarding!

Medical professionals ask me my suicidal intention often. Are you thinking of suicide?  I am generally honest in my answer. It depends who asks the question.

Depending upon your response they don’t tend to do anything plus, I believe, it is not their business to intervene. I tell them this. It’s all moral and ethics.  I appreciate that other people will strongly disagree with me, I see both sides of the argument, but my personal view is I have capacity and, I have had so many bodily autonomy choices taken away from me since the age of 7, I think it is kinder to leave that choice to me.   Nobody ran to intervene when my father was sticking objects inside of me or having it away with me, which is far worse than not intervening in any life/death choices I make. Nobody is intervening when my father continues to abuse me now so they have no right to intervene. They can all mind their own fucking business like they did when I was abused as a child and recently, very recently.

I suffer from a lot of pain all the time. Everyday I have flashbacks of being abused. I cannot stop them. It’s unrelenting. It’s tiring.

I cannot sleep. I pace the floor. I’m tormented with cruel memories. Memories that were so deeply buried they’re now shooting up to the surface like fireworks screaming to be noticed. I’m noticing them. I can’t fucking miss them. I’m doing more than notice; my mind is commanding that I relive them and I don’t want to. It was horrendous the first time around so why do I want live this torment again?  The abuse constantly replays in my head on repeat mode. I can’t stop it. I smell it, I see it and I taste it.

Being abused and having things shoved inside of me. Being watched. Trying to hide. Blending in not to be noticed. Being noticed. I’m punched, strangled and hit. Fucked.

I am being pinned down. Don’t hold my neck, Don’t hold my neck. My wriggling body held down tightly. Check mate you’re trapped. You can’t escape. This is your life.

Count the flowers on the wall paper. •scream• was it a real scream or did I silently do that in my head? Yes it’s ok it was just in your head. You didn’t make a noise. Nobody heard. Nobody knows. Your dog dies if someone knows. Fifty five pink flowers in that corner of the wallpaper. Lost count. Start again. Not the neck. Not the neck. Don’t wriggle you know it’s over quicker. That wasn’t too bad. Where is  my teddy bear? I need my teddy bear.

My clothes are ripped off. I try to hold on to them. Why do I even do that? Not again you bastard. Why did I fight back. Boom.

Where am I? Fuck my head hurts. Head out of window. Fresh air. Fuck I’m bleeding. Egg on my head. Bruises all over my legs and arms.  Fuck sake. My hair is ruined. Boom. Boom. I know not to tell. I won’t tell. Stop punching me. Boom.

Please stop coming into the bathroom with me. I’m 15 now. Please daddy don’t. Please. Help me someone. Daddy no. Follow the grooves in the floor tiles. How many curves are there?

The porn. I don’t want to watch that with you. I don’t like that. Don’t make me. Nooo!

It’s ok mum I love you too. Thanks for stopping him hitting me. I could hardly breathe. More whiskey? Please don’t drink yourself unconscious again. That’s every night this week. Clothes ripped off.

Please God no. Not that please. No. No more I can’t do this anymore.

You’ve had my body and now you’re taking my soul. I can’t give you anything else. You’ve taken everything from me. Please. If I beg? How do you want me to hold it? Yes I like it. Count the flowers.

Ironing my arms to feel real. I smell my skin burning I just don’t feel it. Are they my arms? Is it my body? Pour boiling water on myself. Can you feel that? Does that make you feel? Are you real?  No. I can’t feel it. Pull your hair out. Feel that? Are you real? No. You need to feel. Why can’t you feel. Bathe in bleach to clean yourself. Dirty. The shame. You should have fought back. That’s what they all say. It couldn’t have happened if you didn’t fight back.

Who is that in the mirror. I don’t know her. Who the fuck is she? I slap my face. I don’t recognise her. *screAm*

I need plastic surgery I look like him. I look like him. I fucking look like him Please don’t let me look like him. That’s cruel.  Take all my tablets. Buy more. Don’t tell the doctor. Buy them from the internet.  Stuff them down my throat. Pass out. Relief. This relief can be permanent. A few more. Only allowed weekly tablets. Stockpile them. Can’t wait. Take them.

Search suicide on Google. Find methods rated 1 out of 100. Choose method. Plan method. No pain when I’m gone. Relief. Flashback. Smell him . Feel him. Collapse. Dog barking in my face. Did I scream? Dog follows me all day.

Will I ever be like someone who hasn’t been abused? It defines me. Do none abused people feel their arms and legs. Do they recognise their own face? I need to ask Mrs Bright. What do I need to ask her? .Bang – I’ve lost 7 hours. Where did that time go? Where the fuck have I been. Shitter where’s my wallet. Where the fuck are some of my possessions. For fucksake.





What have I been doing? Is everyone like this? What the fuck am I doing here. How the fuck did that happen. Stop those fucking memories. They’re killing me. Please.

Contact from my father again. Fuck off.  Aghhh. Leave me alone. I told you you’re an abuser stop abusing me, fuck off. I can do whatever I want to you and nothing happens.  Fuck off. Leave me alone. I dreamt about you hurting me last night. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Police contact me. Fuck off. Change your behaviour that will stop him. Fuck off. Ahhh stop this right now. He hurt me again. Social services. He’s not a perpetrator. He’s not convicted. Here is her address, here is where she receives her treatment and what treatment she is receiving.


Nobody to turn to. Nobody to tell. Somebody help me……

Nobody can save you. You deserve to die. Change your behaviour to stop the abuse. What about him. “Yeah I know but…well….” Well what? What? Mark your records. Is his marked? No. So why are mine marked….I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve this. Remember I’m the victim…..HELP ME!

walls of silence……Anyone, I am the victim?

You don’t deserve to live.

We were safeguarding you. But you gave him my report. We can. We are safeguarding you. We are not responsible. Change your behaviour to stop the abuse. The greater the power the worse the abuse…..I bathe in bleach, taken my tablets planning my final solution….I need to feel alive to do that. I do not think I can ever feel like a normal person. What is that like? What is it like to be human? Am I mad?

* This is what flashbacks are like – intense reliving of past traumas. It is much harder dealing with the authorities and also my father. I am unable to get the treatment I need on the NHS which is EDMR because I’m a suicidal risk. I’m a suicidal risk because of my father and because the authorities release my information to my abuser. They don’t take any responsibility.

I do not think I can articulate exactly how it is for me but at the height of trauma and flashbacks it’s the worst memories that step forward to haunt you. You are thrown back into that moment. You can sometimes taste it or smell it or see it. You can even feel it.

There is a cure that can process this trauma called EDMR. It is administered by psychologists.

Mrs Bright is like the bomb who specialises in this kind of trauma treatment. She’s the equivalent of the psychological ninja. She’s somehow going to go into my brain and kick ass and boot these shitty memories into touch. Everyone needs a Mrs Bright in their life.

I do urge those who are suicidal to do the following things;

1. Contact the following places:

samaritans 116 123 – I have used these often. Fantastic organisation. Some volunteers are fucking outstanding. Wait for that volunteer. Ring back.

2. helps adult survivors of childhood abuse 0808 801 0331 lines open 10 am-9 pm Mon-Thurs and 10 am-6pm Thurs. Excellent online information

3. 0207 263 7070 – Maytree saved my life. They operate a 24 hour telephone line plus a respite centre. I am absolutely in awe of this charity and I am going to give it  separate blog. I found it by googling how to kill myself. I stayed here last year and met the most amazing people. This is a progressive place that hits suicide head on- it’s not scared to discuss it and deal with it. There needs to be a Maytree everywhere. 🤛 Ring them and keep ringing them. If you are suicidal pick up the phone. Do it and keep doing it.





The silent army, “hands of hope”

I have had the most horrendous things happen to me and I’m so ashamed about it.

In the darkness hands of hope reached out to me. These are generic hands and specific hands. These hands hold mine, I hold theirs, we have a silent understanding. These hands hold their own horrendous stories of abuse of the most wicked kind.

These victims held their hands out to the authorities for help. Most were scarred for a second time, and some continue to severely suffer, to the point of persecution by the authorities. Remember we are not the abusers. We are the victims. Our abusers are walking around free, ready for the next little girl or boy, and the authorities are so busy persecuting the victims to cover their ineptitude more victims are suffering.

These severely burnt and scarred hands have so much courage they reach out again to hold other victims; victims like me who are being burnt by the authorities after suffering horrendous abuse. My abuse isn’t over. They hold me. They offer a direct line of salvation at anytime of the day or night.

These survivors are truly amazing. One of these amazing women has a Facebook page which educates others, another is active on Twitter after the police warned her to be careful what she said on social media. How is that any different from abusers trying to silence us? They had no legal right to threaten her in this way.

Two amazing men I know talk openly on Twitter and blog about male incest. How brave is that? They don’t hide.

The silent army is coming. We might not have weapons. We might not have authoritative power but we are stronger than you. We will not be silenced. We are coming to get you. We will smash the walls of shame and silence. If you make a mistake you will apologise and rectify it. That’s all we want. You will no longer shame us. You will not bully us. We are done with that.

The Silicon Chip Inside my Head is Switched to Overload

I get enraged. It’s all consuming sometimes. You know the back story by now. I’m abused by my father. My police report was released to him by the safeguarding team. North Wales police tell me my home address was also released. (Is everyone applauding them?) Durham Police tell me that this sort of behaviour is acceptable because it’s safeguarding (the abuser of course 🙄).

Durham Police then called Social Services on me when I complained. They also sent the SWAT team when I said they made me feel suicidal. (I am being cynical using the word SWAT they sent plods- the police don’t get cynicism). They put me in danger and then send the police – ohh there’s a horse running away let’s now bolt the stable door 😂😂🙄

My father’s life is not impacted whatsoever. You know the child abuser.

I’m harassed because the biggest fear he has is to be prosecuted for his past sexual offences. He doesn’t leave me alone. I can’t even begin to tackle the trauma of my father abusing me because I am having to challenge the daily dose of stupidity from authorities as well as harassment from him. It gets very tiring. I do not believe I can continue to beat this challenge. I’m not particularly bothered about being successful either. It’s easier for me to lose.

However what is particularly unfair is that I am unable to discuss with my GP or Psychologist certain current  incidents with my father because their professional ethics would require them to report it to the very people who pass my report to my father! Yay.

I have nobody to talk to and nobody to seek advice from. In the normal course of events it should be reported to the police. Why the fuck would you disclose it to the very people who give your personal address and medical details and private reports to your abuser? I’m abused by him anyway so it is my belief that my father will escalate his campaign of harassment. It’s been escalated anyway. I’m not sure where else it has to go. Well, yeah, I do.

I am unable to disclose it to the professional people helping me because ethically I’m sure it is sticky for them to maintain confidentiality and, despite any sympathy they might have for my situation, they cannot break their rules.  I would not put them in that position anyway.

Once again, deliberately and inadvertently, you’re silenced by the very people who should be helping you (police) and those who are really actively trying to help you (medical professionals).

Some twats decided that abused people cannot make their own life choices and need to be reported to the police in certain circumstances. I fully support compulsory reporting on behalf of children/those without capacity. However, my choices have been removed from me.

The police are aware of my situation just not current incidents.  How does this rule sit with Article 8 of the Human Rights Act? I have the right to a private life and family life without interference. Regardless of whether my choices are those that others might make I still have the right to make those choices.

I successfully gained two Post grad diplomas with Commendation. I was interviewed by The Guardian newspaper. I won awards for my work. My brain did not fall out because my father abused me. I worked with prominent professionals in my field of work. Why do professional bodies assume that I am unable to take decisions for myself and that other people must know better? Why do they think other people know what we need more than ourselves? I have successfully looked after myself from the age of 7.

I know for certain that I would never release a victim’s personal details to their abuser. And they say the professionals know best? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My choices have been limited by the police because of their behaviour which has been utterly disgusting but, with the limited choices that I do have left, I should be able to discuss them with the medical professionals without fear of outside interference. This is particularly important when the police are useless. My case is not unique. There are many stories on Facebook and Twitter of the police further endangering victims. When they shout and complain they’re threatened with social services and removal of their own children. Their own children who they do not abuse, who are not in danger, and whom they would die for! So who is the actual danger here?

Why would rules prevent someone in need having a frank discussion about their situation without fear of outside interference when the only harm that could happen is to me? I don’t understand.

The silicon chip inside my head is switched to overload.

Enola Gay is proud today?

Enola Gay was the name of the aeroplane that carried the “Little Boy” to its destination of Hiroshima in August 1945. The bomber was flown by Captain Tibbitts who named the bomber after his mother Enola Gay Tibbitts. The bomb, which was the first atomic bomb, killed over 100,000 innocent men, women and children and had devastating effects which can still be witnessed today.

The initial impact of the bomb wiped out or burnt 70 percent of the buildings, killed 74,000 people (the rest would die later), killed 90 percent of doctors and nurses and 42 of the 45 local hospitals were unusable. Those that did survive had catastrophic life changing injuries, including severe burns. The effects of radiation would impact generations to come.

I’ve seen a picture of Captain Tibbitts, sat proudly, taken in the cockpit of the Enola Gay before the devastating bomb drop. I wonder what he was thinking when he named the Enola Gay after his mother. I would assume this gesture would be made as a proud dedication to her and her memory. I wonder if Enola Gay was proud of her son when he dropped the devastating bomb on millions of innocent victims?

Clearly I cannot analyse the dynamics of the Tibbitts family but the more I think about the Enola Gay I can see parallels with my own family. My mother representing the Enola Gay and my father the “Little Boy”.

She was the mothership or the vessel that carried me to something so devastating which has had a lifetime impact affecting generations.

I look at my sister who was abused and is now an abuser in her own right. I look at her children who are also victims. One of her children I particularly worry about. My father has access to her children (one under 16) and his great grandchild.

In my family the abusers firmly placed my sister’s failings directly at her door and, quite publicly. They made sure they wrote to her medical team to vigorously defend their position and firmly place any blame for her mental illness down to her life choices.

Of course, she has to take responsibility for her own actions but she is also a victim. I made a choice. I do not hurt or abuse anyone. The devastation stopped with me.  However, I should never have suffered in this way.

At anytime the Enola Gay could have changed course and turned around. It didn’t. That was a deliberate choice.  The moral and compassionate thing to do would have not let innocent lives suffer. I wonder why my mother didn’t take me and change her course leaving the Little Boy behind. Clearly she loved the Little Boy more than me.

The Little Boy was the biggest bully of all not allowing anyone the chance to defend themselves taking so many dreams away. What could have those children and families become without the Enola Gay?

1945 seems so long ago in our sordid historic past that we can ignore the silent voices of victims who will never be heard. We can shut them out. It’s so much easier to silence those voices and remember how glorious Captain Tibbitts was flying the Enola Gay.

WHO is mental?

The World Health Organisation describes mental illness as:

Mental disorders compromise a broad range of problems, with different symptoms. However, they are generally characterised by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others. Examples are schizophrenia, depressions, intellectual disabilities and disorders due to drug abuse. Most of these disorders can be successfully treated.

This is a very divisive definition. The words, “disorders” and “abnormal “ are stark in this definition and do nothing to help recovery which seeks to build the confidence and personal resilience of the individual.

Most of the people diagnosed with mental illness will have suffered trauma or a significant life event. How is having a suicidal thought “abnormal” in the context of being part of a significant trauma? What is “abnormal” emotions or behaviour to this trauma. Is the definition claiming a mental illness is actually abnormal emotions, behaviour and relationships, measured against societal norms to the parallel emotions, behaviours and relationships of people who have not suffered any significant trauma or life events?

That is how it reads to me. It cannot read any other way. For example, if a soldier goes to war and sees her platoon blown to bits she will be utterly traumatised. She might she might not want to socialise because she suffers from PTSD and depression. She could feel suicidal.

How can these thoughts and emotions be deemed “abnormal” given what she has witnessed. Or, is those abnormal thoughts/emotions measured against a supermarket worker, having the same feelings as the soldier, but never experiencing a significant life event?

What about a 6 year old child repeatedly abused until the age of 16. How can they be deemed to have abnormal thinking/behaviours if she self harms or has suicidal thoughts because the abuse was so severe. Is it so abnormal for the victim to feel as if they have control for the first time even if that is to decide whether or not they live or die.

Who actually has the abnormal thoughts? The very experts expecting those who have suffered horrendous trauma to have “normal” thoughts and no depressive episodes? Actually are these thoughts very normal for those people who have suffered trauma?

I would argue it would be normal for those who have suffered a significant trauma or life event to have different thoughts, emotions, behaviours and relationship interactions than those that haven’t. I certainly would not describe it as “abnormal”.

I would raise more concern about a traumatised victim thinking about other things and not addressing trauma. I did. It nearly killed me.

I had a massive breakdown involving a bridge and cabbages (separate occasions-read blog). Is that abnormal? Possibly for someone who was purely disgruntled at cabbage prices but not for someone who had been abused and wholly let down by the system. Even if someone was purely disgruntled by cabbage prices I’m pretty sure that if it made them suicidal there would be other underlying issues!

Quite often this literature does very little to help people like me. It is written in a stale office by someone who has not experienced trauma. How conventional would the author’s thinking be if he had objects shoved in his orifices from the age of 6? Would he be thinking like members of society who had not endured this torture? What if he was told he would be killed, or his family killed, if he told anyone. I wonder how he would feel if he then read a respected article about it and was then told he had a “disorder “ and “abnormal “ thinking! I wonder how that would work for him. It’s abusive in itself.


The NHS have described incest for professionals, including GP’s. They talk about relationships with fathers and daughters. They explain about incest when the victims are girls. Let’s be very clear- a girl is a female child – child –

“Theories have proposed that girls allow the sexual relationship to continue to prevent family disunity.”

I was 7 years old. I was a child. Bin those theories. I did not allow a sexual relationship. It is victim blaming at its finest. How can any child ALLOW a sexual relationship with anyone let alone a family member who is in a massive position of trust?

Here is a link to the article. You can provide feedback at the Bottom of the page. Please do. This is given to professionals. Kids have no chance. Can you imagine a GP telling a child they allowed the sexual relationship.


Since making a complaint to Patient Access they agreed and changed the wording immediately. I’m grateful. Thank you.

Here is the email:

Dear Honey,

Thank you very much for getting in touch and alerting us to the wording on this leaflet for healthcare professionals. The clinical team agrees that it needs amending. It will be updated today.

Best wishes,

The Patient Team


Theories have proposed that girls may feel powerless to take active steps to end the abuse for fear of disrupting the family unit