Familial abuse

There seems little understanding about how child abuse smoothly transitions into adulthood abuse by the perpetrator’s continued control over the victim. This is particularly relevant when the abuser is a parent or close relative.

The police have defined the crimes committed against me as an adult under many headings including; harassment, theft, sexual abuse, physical abuse and coercive control on a form, and malicious communications. One police officer said what my father was doing was near stalking behaviour but I don’t think he officially recorded it as such.

Each crime is recorded in its own separate little distinct box of crimes. It seems crimes are lumped into two different areas; childhood sexual abuse and, as an adult, it transitions under the umbrella of domestic abuse.

Unfortunately most of the research, practice and procedures are aimed at partner on partner domestic abuse. Very little seems to be known about child abuse that transitions into adult abuse in the intra familial setting. It doesn’t just stop because a victim reaches the age of 18.

There is sometimes a buffer between the adult victim and the perpetrator in adulthood where the victim is not so easily accessible such as a move out of the family home, a partner or marriage, or the other parent, generally mother/step mother has most interactions with the victim but these are controlled by the perpetrator.

The control and the abuse does not stop because the victim is less accessible, it just changes for the child victim and, like a chameleon, the perpetrator adapts well to the new dynamics of control and silence.

Children don’t tend to report child abuse particularly in a familial setting. Not in the straightforward sense.

Adult victims have had a lot of control imposed over them and family dynamics become complicated. There certainly was in my case a very strong sense of loyalty towards my my mother.

I did not care about my father as an adult but my mother was someone whom I loved dearly and who would plead, beg and cry desperately to me if I ever, as she termed it, “kicked off” about my father. She had also controlled my silence. I could never be disloyal to my mother. She had to live with him. I loved my mother immeasurably. I recognise she failed me too, in a different way, but I still love my mother.

It was not until my mother had lost mental capacity and my father was still abusing her that I “kicked off” or, as I like to term, “disclose” to authorities and that, unfortunately was just a horrendous experience for me, where I was vilified by social services and the nurse caring for my mother because my father was a “kind, lovely man”.

To add insult to injury during my disclosures my police report was given to my father prior to a safeguarding meeting detailing, amongst other things, where I was receiving treatment and personal details. I had an apology from the police and others but after years of silence my experience of disclosing was and has been just horrendous.

Also, many of those adult children will have tried to disclose childhood abuse in less direct ways but have been ignored.

Clearly that was a major mistake on behalf of the services but beyond that the system needs a radical overhaul. There is such a lack of understanding from them about the family dynamics. Who is protecting whom and why and all the layers and levels of control and conflict within the family.

What is intra familial abuse?

The U.K. Crown Prosecution Service define an intra familial setting as one that, “reflect a modern family unit and take into account where someone is living within the same household as the child and assuming a position of trust and authority over that child.”


It’s extremely difficult to obtain statistics in respect of intra familial abuse. It’s rarely reported but current statistics show 4% of sexual assaults reported by under 16’s are committed by fathers, 5% step fathers and 1% mothers. Abuse in the family setting generally starts at a younger age, over a longer period of time, with the most serious forms of abuse being committed by family members. Therefore why is so little understood and why is it so under reported?

Dr Jessica Taylor from Victim Focus recently undertook a huge study of 22,419 women and the survey found that before the age of 18, 82% had been sexually touched, 30% of those had been forced into have sex under the age of 13, and a third had been coerced or forced into penetrative sex. These are huge statistics of a large sample of women. Clearly not all of these girls would have suffered intra familial abuse but I suspect that official figures released by the government do not go anywhere near reflecting the true scale of intra familial abuse. How can it when children remain silent?

Family ties don’t stop when a child reaches 18. The abuser in the family still has to maintain the victim’s silence and compliance. There is very little research or statistics about the continuation of intra familial abuse into adulthood.

Confusion and Secrecy

Child abuse surrounds so much secrecy and is extremely complex. I “loved” my father as a child. Now I believe it was because society teaches children to love parents regardless. This was also reinforced by him that I had to robot off, “I love you” without a thought to what those words meant.

I also absolutely hated him too but that hate was hidden because it was not acceptable in society. My feelings were confused and I could not understand them.

I had a financially stable family so I was given ponies or horses and most other things I needed. To me this was a display of “love”. I have realised it was not it was a way of maintaining silence. However, on the flip side, I knew these things could have just as easily have been taken away.


I did not connect the dots between the gifts being part of the grooming process, or what I like to call the silencing process, but also these gifts were used as leverage as threats which could be removed. Every little girl loves a pony and the threat of it being removed or worse is part of compliance. Violence is also part of the compliance yet my father could be kind and sometimes we would do normal things. I was desperate for a “normal family”.

There was also the shame of what was happening and self blame. This made disclosures in the normal sense impossible.

Also, what would happen if the family was split up and I was put into care. That would be my fault. There was all those worries I had to carry. I would lose my pets. I would lose my mother and sister. I would betray my whole family. What if I was not believed it would be worse for me.

That is not to say that I did not speak out in what I saw were childlike ways and ways I probably deemed as safe. It is saying this is happening without saying, this is happening. Those signs and red flags were completely ignored.

They are ignored now even though I directly say it as an adult. I can say my father is a danger to children and women until I am blue in the face and give reasons why but he still has access to children. It’s like a car crash happening in slow motion. I am warning the drivers of impending doom but they choose to look the other way and boom 💥

I’ve reported which children he has access to and he still has access to them but because he has not been convicted it doesn’t mean anything. So many sex offenders are not convicted and still have access to children and this government pander to this misnomer. This is because prosecution rates are low, victims do not come forward and when they do a lot of the times they are not treated too well. Police and court satisfaction are at an all time low for victims of sexual crimes and whilst they are all finger pointing at each other nobody is stopping to say what about the victims. Silenced again by the system. That benefits nobody.

There are all these buzzwords in safeguarding such as vulnerable adults/children but it is lip service. It’s a tick box. It means nothing. It’s wholly ineffective. My father, a child abuser, an abuser of women has free access to all and I am the one who has been vilified and failed since being a child by services. Not him, he has his freedom. I do not have my freedom as the abuse continues for me and also as flashbacks suffering from terrible PTSD. I am living in the psychological prison.

My father is a big risk to me personally and the abuse did not change the moment I turned 18. I have continued to get gifts. Money, jewellery etc. Is this because he loved me? No this is to continue to silence me. I did not realise the significance of this. Nobody told me. Why are children not taught this as a matter of course?

Even as an older teenager (16 ish) he would have what he called secret date nights with me where he would not tell my mother and buy me a takeaway. My mother found out by chance when she came home from work early. This had been going on for a long time. These “date nights” were not innocent and very much a secret. My mother did not intervene and it continued despite her knowledge. To me, getting a takeaway, which had to be Chinese ( his choice), was better than a punch, and if I was slow enough eating it I could delay the inevitable.

Stalking? Harassment? Control?Domestic Abuse?

More recently my mother’s solicitor said my father was obsessed with me. She was extremely concerned about his behaviour towards me. He displayed these behaviours publicly about me when he was in a stressful situation under scrutiny and was unable to control himself. My father can normally control himself quite well publicly except in those type of stressful situations where he is not in control. She is an intelligent woman. He could not manipulate her despite trying and I do not think he liked this one bit.

When I have read the legal definition of stalking he seems to fit this category extremely well of a stalker but the police record him as harassing me. I talked to a stalking charity who were concerned about his behaviour and gave me some good advice.

So is it stalking or harassment or control domestic abuse? It seems very unclear. The police recording of it is unclear. One policeman recorded it as a form of control. I believe this was the most accurate description. I had never heard of this crime before.

There seems to be no consistency in recording the crimes that have been committed against me. Also, very little understanding from the professionals about living in a family of control.

Any crimes that I do report are seen as separate incidents. This is a mistake. They are not separate and distinct crimes. They are part of a large picture of control and abuse that have happened to me over many years. The harassment is not “harassment” but control. The theft is not simply “theft” but control. The physical assaults and sexual assaults as an adult are not simply attempts at abusing me but all part of controlling me. This is a continuation from childhood.

Clearly I am not here to rewrite the law or how the police record crimes. They are directed by process and procedures. Maybe they need to be changed.

However when I have reported on occasions what has happened to me it’s small holes that make up a large picture. The police see it as small holes. This is because we are reporting “small holes”. An email is just an email, a theft is just a theft, an assault is just an assault…

All those things are a big message from my father which is basically, “don’t break the silence. I am in charge. I am the one in control. Remember what I can do to you.” These are sinister undertones. Most victims of intra-familial abuse will be fully aware of the sinister undertones. I suspect it is very similar to those of partner abuse too.

My father will use whatever method he can or whatever tools he can to maintain that control which he is doing quite successfully. Due to my experiences with the authorities, who are meant to be the experts in this area, I have been let down as have so many other victims. Why? I believe there are so many paper processes that are badly thought through. Lack of understanding, training and of course victim blaming. Rather than finding the truth the system is adversarial. Victims do not get their own legal representation unlike perpetrators. Nobody protects the victim. Nobody has ever protected the victim. Nobody is that interested in the truth. The CPS is interested in taking cases which is likely to get them a successful conviction and the defendants are interested in maintaining freedom.

The victims are helpless. They are stuck in the middle and in a minefield with nowhere to turn and actually nobody is on their side. Finding out the truth does not have to be adversarial. This has to stop. The victim needs their own legal representative, as does the crown and the defendant. They need to seek out the truth. The victim is not fighting from a place of strength but fear, being controlled and normally, years of being told nobody will believe them. There is often no scientific evidence to support their cases.

Mental illness

Also the system fails to recognise a huge important factor. Most long term abuse victims suffer with mental health problems. This in itself is so stigmatising. It might come as no surprise I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Somehow, that would seem more acceptable if I had got it as a result of fighting for my country rather than from being abused. Automatically I am just thrown into the stigma box by services of “vulnerabilities” of mental health. You are scrutinised more about your ability to cope. The abuser is not but you certainly are. I know people who are now criminalised for calling for help from emergency services in times of crisis and that horrifies me. These are abuse victims and trauma victims.

This is not a good stigma to have with the services because automatically you are seen as a “problem”. PTSD is just a trauma response and this needs to be made clear to services. I was extremely surprised by the response of the police to mental health because I suspect a lot of officers would suffer from PTSD. I thought they would have had a much better understanding. Some do. Some really do not. Just because I suffer from PTSD does not mean my brain fell out, it does not mean I am stupid. I am a normal person but need some adjustments when talking about my father.

One police officer who visit me was just impressed my house was so tidy. I am traumatised reporting serious crimes and he’s talking about my tidy house. It was not small talk. It’s part of their assessment of my ability to cope. Ability to cope? I had been a “wife” role to my father from the age of about 7. I’ve coped! It’s insulting.

Would this comment ever be made to someone who was a victim of a car theft or a distraction robbery? I wholly doubt that. It’s so insulting. I felt like shoving my feather duster up his nose to shake his brains.

Timeline from childhood to adulthood – failing to connect the dots

All of the incidents that have happened to me are a timeline of my father’s control over my life from birth to now. From the first incident of sexual abuse, the first punch as a small girl, the first smashing of my favourite toy or the beating of my favourite pet is all about maintaining control and silence. Why are the authorities inadvertently allowing the silence to continue? It’s a continuation.

The crimes might be recorded under neatly individual parcelled headings chosen by individual officers but I recently recognised that in them doing so they wholly fail to take into account that it’s a massive picture of abuse and control. The reports are taken by individual officers (never the same one) and for me over three different counties depending where the crime was committed. There is no consistency just confusion. They are making a very large mistake. Things are being missed. Half the jigsaw puzzle is missing.

Police and the courts need to recognise these failures. I don’t blame them for not connecting the dots but they need to begin to do so in order to save lives and protect other victims. In brutal terms this is cost saving. It seems governments and departments only speak the language of money rather than one of actual human suffering.

Saving a potential future victim is massive in terms of police cost, court cost, NHS cost and social funding.

Clearly I look at it wholly from human suffering point of view because I am a victim. He has also left a trail of victims who can’t or won’t speak out because of family complexities, secrets and betrayals.

I have always spoken out in my own way with an indefatigable spirit but it’s always been squashed and trodden on by the system. The system fails. Why does the system fail?

System failures

I don’t have all the answers. For a start I have moved over three different counties and depending upon the county the crime has been committed in I am required to deal with that force area. Not only that I have to deal with different officers every time in different areas. I do not want to have to open up every single time. I am traumatised. I also have a form of trauma amnesia so I can’t remember.

Some officers are better than others. Some officers are brilliant. They really are so why are these not assigned to abuse victims. I recently met one female officer who fully understand the system failures. She said she had been a victim of rape and the system failed her. Years later the man who has raped her had gone on to rape other women. She was absolutely an amazing courageous officer. She was thorough and understood trauma. She is a credit to my local force area. Any victim who has her is lucky. But it should not be about luck.

Some do not have the awareness. Also you are required to try to explain the situation. Intra-familial abuse is complex. It’s not a case of reporting a single crime (which you end up doing and some seem insignificant-hence not the whole picture) and clearly you do not get the same officer each time who just sees it as insignificant. In itself it is and I wouldn’t report it but it is a piece by piece picture.

Many victims have previously tried to disclose before, have been dismissed or humiliated, the there is further failures in the system and trust has gone. It’s a them (the police and courts) v us (victims). Most of the victims I have spoken to there is a strong perception of victim v perpetrator, police, courts and their trauma.

Victims don’t just splurge on the first meeting or second meeting with police. It takes multiple meetings. The police are hoping to gain information that victims have kept silent for years. Why would they open up to someone who they have never met before let alone if they are unlucky enough to meet an officer who has no understanding of trauma or abuse?

I have met both. I have met some excellent officers and some who are poorly trained in this area. The difference is stark and it makes a massive difference.

Recent police contact of escalating crime- nothing can be done

More recently I contacted the police with grave concern that matters are escalating with my father. I have a real fear that my father will kill me. In the box when you write on 101 it asks for incidents leading up the the event.

This is extremely difficult for me to complete. From the outset I suffer from a form of trauma amnesia. Some incidents of sexual assaults have only come to light by pure accident. How many do I list? What do I list? This is stressful for me. There should be a box for abuse victims simply to tick “domestic abuse” and additional details if possible.

My father is suing me in civil proceedings and I had requested my friend submit a statement in support to describe how my father controlled my life.

I didn’t give him specific instructions. When I received his statement I was extremely shocked with the content. I could not recall the events he could. A part of my life I had no recollection of whatsoever.

I was not traumatised by what he recalled but the fact I could not remember the incidents. It made me wonder what had happened to me that I could not recall.

My counsellor assured me this was completely normal for someone who had been abused so badly over such a long time.

I tried to briefly explain this and only some of the other events as best as I could in the events leading up to the main incident. I had to consider what actually was the main incident I was reporting. I did not know there are so many.

I decided that the main incident was that matters were escalating and I wanted to let the police know. As incidents had been reported over three force areas I didn’t know who had what as some crimes happen across different counties. I also do not report everything due to lack of trust and could not recall what crimes had been reported previously.

Despite the police in Wales being part of my data breach I was becoming scared for my future and had to suck up my fears of another data breach, but let them know I was frightened with ongoing events. Ongoing events are extremely complicated and I didn’t really want to disclose them. I don’t know how to. In intra familial abuse it’s not straightforward. It’s family ties, family secrets, family betrayals. It’s intertwined. It’s complex.

Sometimes you don’t or can’t give the full picture in one or a few meetings with authorities. Sometimes recent events are disclosed. Sometimes historical events are disclosed . It’s jumbled.

My Gp had suggested that I need to report that matters were escalating given he takes comprehensive accounts from me about what had happened.

How do I explain to the police years of abuse. How do I articulate all the incidents when they see them as separate and distinct and it’s all intertwined with other family members being victims and/or perpetrators? Do they have two days to spare? Do they truly understand. I do not think they do understand familial abuse transitioning into adulthood. It doesn’t just stop at 18. The abuser still abuses and has control but changes like a chameleon to suit the new environment.

I had asked for email contact by the police. I don’t have an individual officer it’s someone different every time. They also ask very personal questions. I don’t like answering those questions to people I don’t know.

I am traumatised when speaking about matters and need time to manage my Ptsd. I understand the police are not there to manage that, I do so myself relatively successfully, but I have to take steps in order to do so and sometimes that includes managing my interactions with them especially when my father is being abusive simultaneously.

Some police bombard you with questions. I understand and that is their job. It is not a criticism of the police but it doesn’t work well with trauma victims. I get upset but I rarely show it. I have been taught not to show my emotions.

There are also other reasons I prefer email rather than the telephone. I can use the telephone but need advance notice.

The police rocked up to my door in a police car. I was absolutely mortified and not expecting them to call. I was bombarded with a lot of questions and asked about dates. I could not give them dates. I honestly think they thought I was a bit thick. When did this sexual assault happen, what about this one? “I don’t know. I don’t know. I can remember. I need to think about it…I don’t know.”

“Well what year was it? “

“I don’t know. I can’t recall. I need to think about it.”

I needed to ask my friend or GP. I had no idea.

It ended up the basic timeline being, “did this happen before or after lockdown?”

This is not a criticism of the police but I have had so much happen to me by my father I cannot recall events or dates and because things are ongoing and on a regular basis my brain does not have the same recall as someone who say has suffered two car thefts and might be able to recall one happened in 2011 and another in 2019.

My brain is traumatised discussing my father and my past history. I was feeling distressed and after they left I felt extremely unwell. I am sure this was not their intention at all. Simply I was left with a trauma response.

The police do not understand the effects discussing this has on me particularly raising historical abuse.

I really need it to be carefully managed hence I need to know in advance when the police intend to contact me.

What was more upsetting was my concern was the escalation of matters. My father is pursuing me in a civil case. This has escalated matters exponentially. I believe that after this is resolved he will kill me or cause me serious harm. This is a real fear of mine.

I tried to explain this to the PC who said that it was a civil matter not a criminal matter and nothing to do with the police. I did not discuss my background but explained to him whilst I understand my father can sue me as often as he chooses to do so and has every right (despite it being frivolous) he is using this case and his behaviour is escalating. I believe this is part of his control.

Just because it is a civil case, and it’s the second one, does not mean that his behaviour is not crossing over into criminality. It has. He was also talking about a third case against me but his solicitor could not tell me what that one would be.

I did explain he had stolen my money and my mother’s money when she was alive but decided not to explain about the other big theft. I just felt it was too complex.

What he had done is all part of his coercive control in addition to other things but I just could not explain it to him. I did not feel there was any point. My mind was stuck in trauma. I did not feel be would understand, maybe he would, but the link between this and all the other individual crimes reported but it was a series of crimes by one perpetrator who is not only a sexual abuser but extremely violent. My brain could not articulate matters. It stuck. I just felt I was wasting police time.

Past blending to present

When the police don’t see the full picture it’s not accurate of the whole incidents.

I know that my father used to drown kittens as a child. My father needs to be asked about how he trained his spaniels but not as if he Is under scrutiny. My father needs to be asked about the state my poor Betty was in when I got her back. My father is violent and cruel to animals, children and women. I did not explain this to him.

I wanted to notify the police that I am scared matters were escalating. I was told the police cannot do anything with my father. Just to log things. I explained I had a letter from him apologising for a sexual assault. They did not request the statement from my friend.

I do believe the PC just did not have the answers. Maybe he is right and that the police cannot do anything about my father. Maybe the sexual assaults, the harassment, property damage and thefts are just more acceptable to the courts because it’s my father. I don’t know. Maybe there is nothing that can be done.

Maybe just because my complaint is fear by escalation is not a crime. Maybe there is nothing the police can do so it does make me wonder the whole point of the buzzword of safeguarding. It is lip service and box ticking.

I am not blaming the PC. He’s doing exactly what he has to do but it’s utter madness.

All I can do is make a video statement of events and send it to my friend in case anything happens to me as an after event because I am damned if he gets away with it. Is that is all that is left for victims? I cannot think of anything else. There is just no point in reporting things now knowing nothing can be done. All I know is my father can continue with his harassment freely and that is very hard to live with because I think the police do not see the full picture. I wonder if I was in a relationship and it wasn’t intra familial if it would be viewed differently. I believe so.

I was told I have to make a diary. Again, I don’t think I have been told this before but I do have a diary of my ramblings but didn’t hand it over.

I need someone to look at my father and think you know he is a risk to women and girls. She’s right to raise the issues and he needs to be stopped.

One man has caused at least three generations of suffering. This was unnecessary had services not just seen all the small holes but put the bigger picture together we would not be here – yet here we are. Where is the scrutiny? Clearly with me and my tidy house and not with the perpetrator where nothing can be done to him.

Multiple times I have complained about email contact from my father. Some of those emails have been quite disturbing.

It seems quite innocuous to receive email communication. If I had reported every email I had received from my father the police would have been invited to my Christmas party.

Clearly I do not report most of the crimes that have been committed against me since the police and other services breached my data. However when I have I’ve been given conflicting advice over what to do; change your email address (I’ve moved several times, changed my phone number it’s the only thing left of me why should I? Although I never say that and nod my head in compliance ), I’ve been told to just delete all of them and forget about it (funny my father told me to forget about the sexual abuse) or make sure you keep them all as evidence. So which one is it? If they can’t do anything anyway what is the point of anything but the second one? Delete them and forget about it all. Except trauma doesn’t work like that. I have deleted many of them under advice thinking it will also delete my trauma. It doesn’t.

The advice given is so conflicting. As a traumatised victim we are looking for consistent guidance on how to manage the situation, when that advice is conflicting and confusing, how can this be beneficial?

Worryingly, I have just discovered that it is not advisable to block stalkers but just to mute them as they are more likely to seek you out in person. Why isn’t this basic advice given by police consistent? Even when that is the polices own advice to the police?


Due to having multiple moves over several counties the crimes have been recorded as harassment or malicious communication offences. Even the recording of this crime does not seem consistent. I can recall one particular email contained disturbing detail about killing. Is this harassment or a malicious communication?

He sent me a picture of my mother and it looked like she had been slapped across the face, it was a horrible picture, was this harassment or malicious communications? I don’t know. Is it domestic abuse?

This was in response to me telling him to never contact me again because he had abused me. He told me that I had made him very upset calling him an abuser. Yet, he sent me a note apologising for a serious sexual assault and told me to forget about it and the “past was in the past”.

The police quite rightly record child abuse as “child abuse” but when the same perpetrator continues the abuse into adulthood it’s classed as domestic abuse. It seems so much is geared towards partner on partner abuse it fails to encapsulate the full effects of familial abuse. Professionals seem to fail to grasp the full understanding of children abused by parents or close care givers when they become adults. It is important that they recognise and make provisions for adults who continue to suffer intra-familial abuse.

My mother never managed to fully leave my father and somehow acted as the “buffer” to that control he had over me. When she lost capacity and subsequently died that “buffer” was lost and I am getting the brunt of the harassment.

I have tried to explain this to the police but despite it escalating I have been told there is nothing they can do. I fear my father will kill me because ultimately he will lose control. So, my view is they can only do something after he kills me. This is not comforting. I hope he won’t do anything more to hurt me but he uses family members as well. This is the intertwining of family secrets and betrayals.

This is normal behaviour in my family. I am used to this behaviour. As a child I had got used to it and thought that was how families behaved, sacrificing themselves at all costs to protect the alpha male.

My mother would defend my father’s behaviour and would tell me not to “rock the boat” or fight with him, even though I had a lot of anger and had got past the point of caring with him because then we all suffered the brunt.

Everyone had to capitulate to my father. I am not. It’s unknown territory for both of us. Except my father is acting in ways he knows to maintain his control at whatever cost. I am paying the price and still there is little support or understanding. This was the same as when I was a child. But, at least my house will be tidy for when crime scene officers attend 🙄

Me, my friend and I

I chatted to an old school friend today about our childhood and the parts we could remember and piece it together.

We had always been friends from being very little. He said he never really spoke to girls at school, except me. He said we used to hold hands to look after each other when we were small. During our early teenage years we lost touch even though we went to the same school. However in the latter years we got closer again and we used to skive at mine. Everyone skived at mine.

When we got older we used to meet up and go out and get smashed drunk and party.

He recalled when we were in junior school he fell off a wooden bench and broke his toe. He was taken to hospital and I was tasked to look after him in school. Apparently I did a very good job. I trust him and believe he still has all of his toes to this day.

He said about three months later he has another accident and was taken back to hospital with another physical injury (broken bone). He said his parents were then investigated by social services for two innocent accidents, one which happened at school.

Clearly nothing untoward had happened to my friend during childhood but his parents had to answer questions about two accidents.

Yet for me at about the same time I was vocal about wanting to cut my body parts off. I think this was my childlike way of trying to stop sexual abuse. I was also covered in bruises. I was becoming more and more vocal about it so my mother took me to the doctors.

Whether at this early point in my childhood my mother knew something was going on I don’t know. she certainly did know in my teens. I cannot really recall the doctor’s appointment nor can I recall being asked any questions. I cannot remember the doctor taking me to a room alone to talk to me. In fact I do not think he did. My doctor diagnosed that this was normal childhood development. In hindsight I believe my mother controlled this meeting and when I became too vocal about it then she could tell people I had been to the doctor who had said it was normal and I would “grow out of it.”

I cannot remember Social Services being called or any further investigations into my childhood. These were not “red flags” yet a child falling off a bench at school was deemed as such. I hope the doctor who saw me is no longer practicing.

A lot of details of my childhood I have to get my friends to fill in especially from early childhood. I have a friend who remembers everything. I just thought she had a super efficient memory recall. Whilst I think this is partially true she did not suffer abuse in childhood.

I understand from my counsellor that it is normal to lose parts of childhood memory due to trauma. He explained that sometimes people who have been abused cannot remember anything until they leave home. Sometimes they don’t remember where they lived as children or what school they went to or even who their friends were. In others the memory loss is not so severe.

Blocking out memories can be a way of coping with childhood trauma. I had a recent incident of this come back to me by complete accident.

I had asked that a friend prepared a statement on my behalf for my solicitor just detailing what my life was like as a young adult. This is because my father is suing me.

This friend knew me well as a young adult and we had a lot of fun together. We studied different courses at college but I thought he had some idea of how controlling my father could be in my teens. I did not want to prompt him with anything and left him alone to write his statement.

What he had written floored me. He was witness to incidents that I could not recall. I could not recall any of these incidents happening. I could not recall telling him or the incidents themselves.

It was like he had written about someone else’s life. I was very upset. I was not upset or distressed by the incidents themselves nor was I upset that I could not recall them. What distressed me greatly came in the form of silence. What has happened to me without any witnesses that I cannot remember.

Nobody but my father will ever know. Even then, only my father will recall them if they are important enough to him and I do not believe this to be the case. Abuse is silenced in so many ways.

A snapshot of memory loss is shown in the clip below of the girl who had forgotten her name because of witnessing the trauma of losing her father during the war with ISIS. It’s upsetting but it shows how trauma affects young minds. The little girl in the clip seems to be doing ok now and lives with her grandmother on the Syrian border.

Sometimes I feel a bit like the Dory the fish from “Finding Nemo”. I’m continually harassed by my father but I struggle to remember what he has done because he continues to harass me so much. It seems I go from one form of harassment to another. Whether it’s an email, him suing me or stealing my money.

I also have long periods where I dissociate and have no clue as to what has happened or where I’ve even been. My mind just “checks out”. It does not want to face the realities of living.

When I think about what I have been through; the childhood abuse, resuscitating my mother, my police data being given to my father, the recent abuses by my father, taking a case to the ICO and the Nursing and Midwifery Council, being sued by my father, trying to protect my mother from my father when she had no capacity and being vilified by authorities for it and, sadly vilified for complaining about a data breach I understand why my brain doesn’t want to face life and why I sometimes do not want to be here anymore.

I suppose when my friend told me that even as a young child I looked after him well with his broken toe, despite horrendous cruelty towards me from my father, I can take comfort in the hope that is someone, somewhere is like the “small us” where they do actually care what happens to someone. No matter what they have going on in their own lives they can step back with a bit of compassion for others.

Victims always feel alone. And generally they are alone as services fail them. It’s a reality. The adults around them fail them. Concocting tales to protect themselves not the child. Small kids don’t do that. Like my friend with his broken toe- I did not want him to be alone. I held his hand. He also said he held my hand any although he did not know my horrors he was always very sensitive and tuned to people maybe he didn’t want me to be alone too.

If only I was Dominic Cummings I might have had a positive outcome…

What’s the difference between the complaints made about Dominic Cummings allegedly breaching Covid Regs and an abuse survivor being banned from using Durham 101 online reporting service to report her abuser? Well actually, quite a lot and no prizes for guessing who gets the red carpet treatment? Clue – it’s not the abuse victim.

Tax payers money has been used by Durham Police to make sure they don’t face any negative scrutiny from the government, press and public in relation to the senior government adviser, Dominic Cummings, who might have broken the law travelling to Durham during the pandemic when he and his wife were suffering from what they thought was the Covid virus.

Dominic Cummings travelled from London to Durham and then from Durham to Barnard Castle on his wife’s birthday to test his eyesight. This has caused a great deal of anger amongst the general public.

Quite rightly so, we are in the middle of a pandemic and, I will never forget sat watching the distressing scenes of people being interviewed who could not say goodbye to their dying loved ones. It seemed they were so cruelly parted and unable to say their final goodbyes.

These poor families stuck to the rules whilst a government adviser drove to Barnard Castle from Durham on his wife’s birthday to test his eye sight. The government issued a statement in support of Dominic Cummings claiming that he did not break the rules. Durham Police did not bring any criminal charges against Dominic Cummings. They issued a very carefully prepared statement claiming that he might have breached the Covid rules in a very minor way.

Durham Police have their own in house legal team which is of course funded by the tax payer. It makes perfect sense rather than to outsource it to outside legal firms. It would seem prudent that their own legal team would specialise in criminal law (particularly if advising law enforcement) in order to advise Durham Police on the Cummings matter. Yet it seems that Durham Police paid for an outside legal firm to write a press statement on behalf of the Chief Constable in relation to the incident. Mr Cummings even had the privilege of seeing the statement one hour in advance of it being released to the press. This advice and written statement came at an additional financial cost to the taxpayer which quite frankly could have been better spent on crime prevention or apprehension of offenders. It begs the question why it’s own internal legal advisers were incapable or unable to offer this service.

This was the statement https://www.durham.police.uk/news-and-events/Pages/News%20Articles/Durham-Constabulary-press-statement–.aspx

Nearly 500 members of the public were outraged and angry enough to complain directly to Durham Police about the way in which it handled the Cummings incident. Their complaints would have been passed to their Professional Standards Department.

My gripe is not about Cummings (that is a personal opinion for each individual to make) but the differences between the handling of their complaints which clearly depends upon who you are and your status.

Durham Police claim they “solve problems” and “deliver excellent policing” by “inspiring victims”. They also claim to have an all inclusive equality provision heralding that everyone is treated equally. Excuse me whilst I guff. These paper policy claims do not seem to translate to actual reality.

I have met some excellent officers on the front line who work in difficult circumstances and do live up to these claims.

My own complaint of data breach, disability discrimination and the threat of disapplication of my data breach complaint has been delayed, poorly responded to and, I’ve even had to complain about not being updated with regards to the progress of my matter.

Moreover, my second complaint was made in January 2020 in respect of being banned from reporting my abuser via the 101 online service. I was not told of the reason for the ban. However the ban was mysteriously imposed after complaining they had breached my data. When I tried to report another incident they refused to log it stating Professional Standards had banned me reporting that way.

I have a disability, they were aware of this which rendered me unable to report my abuser. I was left in a situation where my abuser continued his campaign and I had nowhere to turn yet they continued to implement the ban.

In effect I could not report domestic violence from my childhood abuser. The ban was not imposed by the operators or officers but by Professional Standards who at the time were investigating my data breach complaint.

The only way I managed to get the ban lifted was when I contacted the Equalities and Human Rights Commission who said it was Disability Discrimination and they needed to justify their ban to me. When I notified Professional Standards that they had to justify my ban from reporting abuse via the chat service it was immediately lifted.

However, they were happy for me to continue to suffer domestic violence with nowhere to turn. I put in a complaint about this in January 2020 along with an appeal for my data breach. The ICO had already criticised Durham Police.

At the same time I also complained that Professional Standards had threatened to disapply my data breach complaint when they had no grounds to do so. There is Statutory Guidance accompanying legislation when complaints to the police can be subjected to the disapplication process and these were not followed. I was threatened with it despite there being no grounds to do so.

I was told that they would not accept my new complaint as it was attached to my appeal. It was just semantics or someone being awkward. My complaint clearly differed from my data breach appeal as it was paragraphed and numbered I had to separate out my complaint and send it separately. This was traumatic having to re-read my experiences again as anyone who suffers PTSD would understand.

However I was only notified of this in May 2020 some four months after it was submitted! I was astonished they had the inability to separate them but not let me know until I contacted them for an update.

Four months! Four months!

The appeal to my data breach complaint took a very long time to conclude. Nine months in total although I believe it was started in September and concluded in September just by the poor inadequate response to which there is no appeal or review.

I asked for updates and was told that they are under no obligation to update me. I then requested that out of courtesy they should update people. Each month I received an email which stated, “Out of courtesy we are updating you..”

There was no actual update contained within the email it just purported to tell me who was looking into the matter which was the same person as the month before and, the month before that and, the month before that and, well you get the picture… It would have been less traumatic and insulting if they had just stuck two Greggs sausage rolls up my nose and told me to piss off. Much more pleasant than the way I was being treated. They treated me like some kind of imbecile.

Up the nose flower🖕

I haven’t got the outcome to my complaint which I submitted over a year ago. The person dealing with it is respectful towards me unlike the last one who threatened me with disapplication because of disability. That one had the charm of a gorilla and really should be kept away from vulnerable members of the public. She nearly tipped me over the edge several times. When you say that to them they send a swat squad to do a “welfare check” because you’ve said what they are doing to you is tipping you over the edge. To be fair to the officer who attended was lovely and didn’t understand why they had been sent either.

I got the outcome to my data breach appeal- eventually. This was September 2020 after being submitted January 2020. It was abundantly clear that the flaws in the initial investigation had been ignored in the appeal, glossed over or just denied.

The Equalities and Human Rights Commission found disability discrimination unless there was a very good justification which was not given yet Durham Police did not find it in my appeal,

North Wales Police who also breached my data in the same way as Durham Police had acknowledged their failings acknowledged they had indeed breached my data and apologised. This meant a lot to me yet Durham cannot do the same. There was a stark difference between the two reports supplied to me. The one from North Wales Police was much more methodical, comprehensive and well investigated.

The Information Commissioners Office criticised Durham Police yet they still cannot acknowledge any wrong doing or apologise to me- they have strongly told me they have apologised to me but they have not. There seems to be no sincerity no want to reflect on making positive changes for victims.

The person who is still currently dealing with my. current complaint about the way I have been treated has been unable to finish investigating it due to such a heavy workload. Clearly that is not his fault as operational procedures must be a priority. I acknowledge that and fully support it but there is a massive disparity between the complaints made about Cummings and mine. He is respectful and apologetic and clearly is not to blame for that.

So here we have a two tier service; and a very poor one at that. On 27 March 2020 Cummings drove to Durham. On 12 April 2020 Cummings tested his eyesight driving to Barnard Castle. On 25 May 2020 Durham Police investigated the alleged crime, sought outside legal advice and paid for a written statement which is handed to Cummings in advance of the press. I have no doubt the 500 or so complaints have been responded to by Professional Standards with the press statement. I am also positive Cummings hasn’t been banned from using the 101 online reporting system either. From leaving London to the statement issued by Durham Police – less than two months…Cummings had his conclusion and can get on with his life.

I cannot. I am still being harassed. I feel that the police are not on my side despite being the victim. I haven’t committed any crimes yet because I want change and challenge their systems I am vilified.

On 28 January 2020 I submitted my appeal and complaint and had an email notification from Durham Police that it was submitted. On the 2 September 2020 I received the outcome to my appeal after repeatedly requesting updates. In my opinion no independent authority separate to the police would conclude the appeal in the same way.

On the 15 May 2020 after emailing for updates about my appeal and complaint I was required to separate out my complaint from my appeal. My complaint was accepted 15 May 2020 despite being submitted January 2020. I am still waiting for my outcome and it’s February 2021. I wonder if 500 people complained on my behalf whether there would be an outside legal team look at my complaint resolve it and I get the outcome in advance of everyone else?

This sums up the experience of victims really. The Victims Commissioner conducted a survey of the experiences of victims of sexual crimes. Many victims who had been subjected to sexual crimes responded. Very few had anything positive to say about the police or the CPS. If the police and courts are meant to be on our side and we are treated like this then we are truly lost and sex crimes and abuse are just resigned to the statute books where nothing is actually done about it to bring the offenders to justice but the policy just looks good to the outside world….a bit like policies and procedures in handbooks- they don’t mean anything unless you follow them fairly and consistently for everyone regardless of who they are…

Why didn’t they just report it

I made a data breach complaint. North Wales Police force admitted the breach. They took five months and admitted it was done over two separate reports and various breaches. Durham Police force did not admit any breaches nor alerted me to the two separate reports meaning that I had to make two complaints putting me through the process twice. How can one force admit a breach and another deny it under exactly the same laws for exactly the same breach.

North Wales Police force changed their data systems. They apologised. They were gracious.

However, Durham Police force increased their animosity towards me particularly when trying to report incidents of harassment. As an outcome to my data breach complaint they offered to refer me to a charity whose strapline states “our only criteria is that they (the person referred) have the ‘Will and Want to Change’.” It also claims to reduce the pressure on frontline emergency services and the council. I do not use the council at all and I have only reported crime to the police, which is the purpose of the police. Clearly not Durham Police and clearly not in relation to Child sex abuse and Continuing domestic abuse.

This is utterly humiliating and offensive. What exactly as a child abuse victim and domestic violence victim (from the same perpetrator) do I need to change? Should I have not worn the t-shirt with the little pony on? Should I have not worn my swimming costume? How about going in the bath as a child? What exactly should have I changed? Do I not report incidents of abuse. I don’t now. That was a clear message.

When the police stop victim blaming then only can things change. When the goodwill of the police is removed and until victims feel that they can report without humiliation then victims have nowhere to turn. I debated whether or not to post this 101 chat conversation. However, the police deem this as an acceptable way to treat abuse victims then it is ok to post it.

After I had made my complaint to Professional Standards the unfounded animosity towards me became horrendous. I don’t report anything now. My situation is escalating. I have to just remain silent. They wonder why victims do not report or, when they do, it takes them years. This is why. Here is one of those logs.

Lockdown and surviving

I’ve not updated my blog for sometime because I am still awaiting the outcome of my appeal from Durham Police. I had the outcome from the Information Commissioner’s Office which I will update soon when I receive my outcome from the police.

In a cemetery in Wales lies my mother. She was a victim of my father’s coercive control. I think she would have lived a much longer life had she left him.

Next to her lies my friend who committed suicide at the age of 26. Years before he was sexually assaulted by older men. There was no direct intervention from the authorities to help him and the perpetrators were never brought to justice. I attended his funeral. He hung himself two months before my mother died.

Next to him lies another friend who also committed suicide. He was also dramatically failed by the mental health services. He always walked his dogs past the house and we spent lots of time chatting. He loved his dogs. He is related to the fiancé of the my other friend who committed suicide.

My friend visits her fiancé in the cemetery with their young sons. She also lays flowers for my mother because I cannot visit her because of my father. She also visits her uncle. She is 25 years old.

His twin brother was also at the funeral. His youngest son, barely a toddler, shouted to his twin brother, “dada, dada!” And ran into the arms of his uncle, believing him to be his dad. He held onto his uncle tightly throughout the service having no understanding why he was there or why his dad had disappeared and then returned to see him in a church service with so many people upset and bereft. .

This is where all the authorities, police, mental health services, the courts and justice system need to look deep into their soul and wonder how they failed my friend. How they failed that man and that little boy.

When the government claim to have invested money into helping mental health services this has not translated into actual help. It is lip service. They are failing badly.

As soon as the authorities became aware of my friend’s assault he had the right to be supported by a fully joined up service between mental health services, the police and the GP.

Reporting sexual assault should not be made so difficult and should be welcomed by the public. It isn’t because of the myths and shame thrown at victims. For example, just because someone is drinking too much they are not asking to be sexually assaulted.

Myths about abuse need to be publicly quashed so they do not favour the abuser in a jury setting. Services need to be radically overhauled in favour of the victim and the police and courts need comprehensive training to understand trauma and how victims respond and behave in trauma situations. They need to adapt their services to take account of this.

Sometimes I wonder who will be buried in the next plot. Will it be me? I have made serious attempts on my own life. I sought the services of mental health detailing how my father still harasses me. Finally I had my initial session with a NHS psychologist and was told that I was not suitable for psychological intervention because my father still abuses me.

I was flabbergasted as I had explained my situation to the psychiatrist detailing my father still harassed me. I was required to answer a series of very invasive questions about my sex life which had no relevance to the treatment I was seeking. I refused to answer them. Why would I open up about my sex life to a complete stranger given I had suffered serious sexual abuse. Why would anybody. Surely these questions only become relevant during sessions if this forms part of my problem with relationships with others.

What part of compassion and understanding do mental health services not comprehend? For someone to open up takes trust and time. Invasive questioning on forms are unnecessary and also triggering. I wondered which textbook from the 1950’s they had lifted this from.

Also, the NICE Guidelines, which detail the appropriate treatment for PTSD, state to reassure patients that it is a treatable condition. It then goes on to state:

  • “offering a choice of therapist that takes into account the person’s trauma experience – for example they might prefer a specific gender of therapist
  • using proactive person-centred strategies to promote uptake and sustained engagement
  • assessing the need for further treatment or support for people who have not benefited fully from treatment or have relapsed. [2018]”

Nowhere does it state that a person who is still being abused cannot access services nor are they untreatable. I wonder how much of this attitude by therapists are translated into grave plots.


How many people work in safeguarding? About half

My data release by the authorities to the perpetrator of my childhood abuse involved many parties.

Durham Police raised the initial report to safeguard my mother. In the report to safeguard my mother it contained the following information:

1. That I had suffered sexual assaults and physical assaults by my father.

2 . The specific town I was receiving treatment. It named the job role of the person I was seeing for that help. It wouldn’t be too difficult to find me.

3. That I was not yet “strong enough” to have an Achieving Best Evidence interview.

4. It named a woman not even related to our family or anything to do with the case.

5. Other personal data in relation to my abuse

This report contained my personal sexual and medical data which was purportedly released to North Wales Police to safeguard my mother. My mother is classed as a vulnerable adult because of her physical frailty.

I specifically explained to the police in my interview that my mother was only at risk of physical abuse and, I believed, financial abuse.

I reported that I had instructed a solicitor to act on her behalf. I furnished them with the details, offering them the opportunity to speak to her legal team if they needed to gather any information or further clarification about her situation.

Knowledge of the treatment I was receiving would not further safeguard my mother, the fact I was not “strong enough ” would not safeguard my mother. How could it? He’d just recently sexually abused me, I had attempted to throw myself off a motorway bridge, clearly I wasn’t strong enough to be interviewed.

Most of the information contained within the report in terms of safeguarding my mother was irrelevant. Regardless, Durham Police passed (I’ve now found out two reports although they sneakily omitted to tell me- naughty naughty) to North Wales Police.

North Wales Police read the report, and like Durham, failed to redact the relevant information. In other words, they failed to remove my personal sensitive details. My report was then passed to Gwynedd Adult & Child Social Services. In amongst all of this my home address was also disclosed.

There was no need to release my information to North Wales Police who were already aware of my situation. My situation was very different from my mothers. Mine was historical sexual and physical abuse. Mine was a serious sexual violent crime but I didn’t disclose details. As strange as it sounds I cannot physically speak about it. I’m too scared. I didn’t want to prosecute. I had moved miles away and I just wanted to recover and get on with my life. My father was always scared of a historical prosecution. That was his worst fear. I was not about to kick the hornets nest. That was dangerous for me and safeguarding was going to make my life so much more worse.

My mother suffered a minor assault. That was disgraceful as she was in a minimally conscious state. Our experiences are different and certainly not related. My father had used his fist to forcibly open my mother’s mouth in order for her to comply with suctioning (which he was not qualified to do in the first place). Social Services investigated,  poorly in my opinion, but believed his version of events which would not really have been possible anyway but hey ho.

However, my data should have been redacted as there was no benefit to release such personal sensitive details about me to anyone to safeguard someone else. At the least risk assessments should have been completed as directed by the Data  Protection Act and GDPR.

North Wales Police released the exact report Durham had sent to them, unredacted, to Gwynedd Social Services. They then sent it to the muppets in the health board (who sent it to their complaints department?), it was then sent to a private company, the deputy manager at my mother’s home (who are criticised in the press and required to make improvements by the care commission or equivalent)

The details of my police  report had been passed to my father in readiness for the safeguarding meeting ! It was also sent to child social services, despite us not being children, and other places. My father commented upon it. His comments are noted in the safeguarding meeting. I was not even notified about the meeting  nor given the opportunity to comment. How utterly bizarre that safeguarding will take the views of a perpetrator and not even attempt to  speak to the two victims?

Just to make this clear the perpetrator was given comprehensive details of the victims police report including address (confirmed by North Wales Police that my home address was given). The report gave details of who I was seeing for treatment and where  and other confidential sensitive data about me.

Im graded as high risk of harm from my father. When I get questioned I  couldn’t speak of some things I get too distressed despite other evidence. My father now has access to me. I cannot report things because I have not been reassured by North Wales Police that releasing abuse victims data to perpetrators is not normal procedure. In fact none of the forces have said that this s not normal practice.

North Wales Police have had my complaint of my data release for over six month. It was left and ignored. I had to fight for an investigation. I’m still waiting for an outcome. I’m at high risk from my father and my GP says I’m now a high risk of Suicide. This is not only down to my father.  I know what he is. I’m used to him. I thought I had escaped but then safeguarding stepped in and handed me to him on a  plate. They argue amongst themselves (via me) who is not to blame. They tell me how to change my behaviour to stop being abused. All the while the paedophile is free to go abroad and abuse. How backwards.

My father’s voice was and continues to be championed by those in the safeguarding meeting and beyond. Me, they try to silence me. Like the abuser. Just on a grander scale. He is so manipulative and duplicitous he is obviously just seen as a misunderstood man. He’s an abuser and a manipulator with many years of practice.

I could have certainly provided them with childhood statement from my friend who I told at 13 I was being abused, or my medical records and, outrageously, it’s even alluded to on my mother’s medical records which I have copies. I could even pass them emails, letters  and other things.

It’s so dangerous that the police described him as coercive and controlling (he is) and then he controls the people who attend all the same meetings about my mother. It’s same people who is charming. When the same safeguarding team ask if there are any concerns about my father and other family members none is raised despite them knowing full well they have fed my mother who is nil by mouth. It’s noted on her medical records their concerns about them feeding her. However my father is that great guy. Abusers generally are.

The safeguarding  services are so poor and so manipulated by him that when my father made a minor admittance of forcibly opening my mother’s mouth to suction her it is minimised in their minutes on each occasion. Even social services are inaccurately recording his lies.  Well done Gwynedd Council safeguarding team. My father even forgets his own lies which I have in writing which he has put to various authorities. My mother’s solicitor was so concerned about his behaviour towards me. She refused to pass me some things he wrote about me saying it was vile. She said his behaviour was obsessive towards me.

I have written confirmation from Gwynedd Council that they passed my police report to my father. I have had this for many  months. I told the police I had this confirmation.

Today I received an extremely bizarre email from the Data Protection Officer stating that they did not pass my report to anyone outside those who attended the safeguarding meeting, including my father who did not get a copy, as it’s not their policy. So I have one email stating they did pass it to him and today, months later, one stating it did not even happen. Now I accept Friday afternoon frivolities but this email was verging among ridiculous.

I would like to think if officials are going to lie they are a bit smarter. It is clear from their own minutes the report was passed to my father. It’s obvious. His comments are in it. It even states he was asked to comment. The report  was certainly passed outside safeguarding because I have a letter from a company which demonstrates a discussion between two named people about my police report. It had also been passed to the Health board complaints team for no apparent reason. I have all of this in writing.

Why on earth would I get this folly in writing from Gwynedd Council today?  What is more insulting is that I am told they will not respond to any of my emails or questions I have about this. So Gwynedd Council Safeguarding put victims of  sexual abuse in danger, admit in writing they passed the report to the sexual abuser, several months later completely deny it and then state they refuse to communicate with you about it! They again champion the abusers voice and silence the victims.

Wow. These people safeguard your elderly and children. They are protecting a paedophile. It’s astonishing that safeguarding protects abusers.

North Wales Police and Durham have no control over their data. Remember that if you report  anything. In fact my advice would be don’t bother.

In my view, Gwynedd Social Services are one of the most inept services I’ve ever come across. I’m not the first person to say this either. I would not trust them to safeguard a healthy hamster 🐹 let alone vulnerable adults and children. However, unfortunately the county of Gwynedd is stuck with them.

Children  and adults in that county deserves so much better. I deserve better. Fuck you Gwynedd Council. And Fuck you North Wales Police you bureaucratic fuckwaffles

The title- How Many People Work in Safeguarding? 

The answer is about half

I wanted the title to be How Many People Work in Gwynedd Council Safeguarding but the answer of a half of them seemed too generous


Under His Eye

Many will be familiar with the Handmaid’s Tale, the work of author Margaret Atwood, which is about a totalitarian oppressed Christian society based in the fictional state of Gilead. Women in particular are oppressed by powerful men.

The story focuses upon the Handmaids who are fertile women whose social function is to solely bear children for the infertile wives of the Commanding Officers of Gilead. The Handmaids are not allowed to use their own birth names but are given the male names of the master they serve.  The main character is Offred or, Of Fred, her master being Fred.

Gilead claims to be a “blessed” and Christian society where the rape of the Handmaid is redefined as a necessary religious “ceremony” to fulfill God’s word of procreation. “Blessed be the fruit” and “May the Lord open”, are commonly used greetings to Handmaids to encourage fertility amongst the young women. It is also a subtle sign of their place within the dystopian Gilead state.

The wives of the Commanders partake in the “ceremony” by physically restraining the Handmaids during the rape to prevent anything more than a mere procreation “ceremony”. Lust is a sin and therefore cannot be seen to reach the bedroom.

The tension caused between the two women is notable. The wife is aggrieved that she is unable to bear a child but also her husband is having intercourse with another woman. The Handmaids are frightened and angry because they are being held down by a wife ready to be raped by her husband. Publicly there can be no obvious dissent between the women, they are the lesser class, just some are a lesser class than others. Open friction would destroy the perfect “blessed” foundation of the state. Clearly, the Commanding Officers have sex on demand with Handmaids out of the allotted fertile ceremonial times. They also seek out the local forced prostitutes in the outlawed brothels. The commanders can because they hold the power. They police themselves. The balance of power is tipped in favour of the men. Just some men have more power than others.

The Handmaids Tale reflects the two biblical stories in Genesis where Rachel, who is Jacob’s infertile wife, offers her handmaid Bilhah to be a surrogate mother on her behalf. Her sister Leah does the same with her handmaid.   It is also said in the bible that Abraham has sex with his wife’s handmaid, Hagar.

In Atwood’s tale the handmaids have no choice and are forced into this position.  They have no escape.  Any transgressions are dealt with using biblical proportions, for example, in the TV adaptation of the book (not in the book) one of the central characters, Janine, has a public mental breakdown because of her abuse. She was gang raped at 14 prior to the establishment of Gilead, and was vocally opposed to the training regime imposed upon Handmaids. Her dissent cost her an eye as instructed in the Bible.

In the book, those in charge, convince Janine that she was to blame for being raped. The other Handmaids are forced to openly ridicule and mock her.  Her commanding officer claims to “love” her when in fact he is lying in order to manipulate her to gain extra marital sex outside the fertile ceremonial times.

Poor Janine doesn’t fit into Gilead’s perfect “blessed” society. But she’s fertile and therefore an asset in a world where the population is rapidly diminishing.

Janine screams, cries and is unable to comply with the order of things imposed upon her. She cannot understand the chaos, Gilead’s rules or unfairness. She’s unpredictable, she makes a suicide attempt and she is beaten on a regular basis. The handmaids are forced to stone Janine after her suicide attempt because she put a baby in danger. They refuse. Their punishment is a mock hanging. The Handmaids are terrified.  Any dissent is crushed.

We don’t know what happens to Janine in the book because she has a minor role but is very much expanded for the television series.

Many abused victims can probably relate to her. Janine sees the unfairness in her situation. Initially she tells her abuser, an arm of the state, to “fuck off”. She is seen as the problem. Not her abusers. She is slowly strangled into silence, that spark, that fight, that light in Janine slowly but surely dwindles and then burns out. She knows she can no longer scream, she has already been severely punished for screaming about the unfairness of what happened to her, she sees her only option of escape from the unfairness as suicide.

She is punished for her failed suicide attempts. A bit like my own experiences. Punished by the state for their failures.

The state then abuses her again deeming her to be the problem. No matter how hard she tries to conform with the rules and further unfairness the continued abuse shakes her her centrally to the core. She bursts. She can no longer maintain the Handmaids expected levels of societal decorum even if that keeps her alive. She is then punished again and the cycle continues.

In a good system the state would not abuse its citizens. In a fair system those who were abused by others would be protected. I believe that we live in a dystopian state as far as abuse victims are concerned. The state massively fails victims. I also believe they are deliberately cruel to victims. Many victims will question what is justice anyway and seek their own justice. By that I do not mean vigilantism.  They seek justice by finding ways of recovery because they know they can never seek fair legal redress.  How unfair is that?  We would never expect robbery victims, or those who were knocked over by drunk drivers not to get some form of legal redress. Therefore why are abuse victims having to live without any form of legal help or redress?

Sadly you don’t have to look too far to find accounts of horrendous cruelty towards victims of abuse. Not only by the abuser but by arms of the state. The very people who were meant to protect us have utterly failed us. These people are paid a lot of taxpayers money to protect the vulnerable yet drastically fail to do so. We are once again bullied and cajoled into silence. We read that the police take historic abuse cases seriously. We laugh and then cry. We do not see this as true.

Although Janine’s story seems an extreme situation, state sanctioned rape and eye removal for transgressions, many adult survivors of abuse die by suicide, have a shortened life span and do not reach their full potential. Clearly the abuser is partly to blame but the state wholly fails us and facilitates and perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Blame also has to firmly lie on the shoulders of the state.

Abuse survivors are failed by the police and when they complain they are threatened with social services to have their own children removed from their care, men abused who come forward to report childhood sexual abuse are laughed out of police stations, women are told that they need to leave their marital property as their life is in danger from violent partners, children taken back to their abusers by the police after making statements against them. This is highlighting a few failures. There is also Rotherham, Medomsley in Consett, Jimmy Saville to name but a few.

In a fair society, when these terrible crimes happened, complaints would be dealt with properly without threat to victims who would be listened to. The violent partners would be removed from the property, not victims, and children would never be taken back to abusers to be abused. Finally, the victims information (address and what treatment they receive) would never be passed to the perpetrators under any circumstances. Are you listening Gwynedd Social Services, Durham Police and North Wales Police? My case is not in isolation either.  Someone disclosed to me that another local authority down south did the same to them and disclosed their details to their abuser.

Abuse victims are silenced. The abuser depends on their silence for the freedom  to continue the cycle of abuse. Sometimes we find a voice. It’s not easy. When we speak out we are silenced. Like Janine, we might be shouting how fucking unfair it is but when you get some overpaid, undereducated and ill informed social worker, medical professional or police officer perpetuating the abuse it’s soul destroying. We want to scream “fuck you!” We don’t want to fit into your useless bureaucratic rules. They mean jack shit to us. Then we become the problem.

We don’t conform and, like in the state of Gilead, we are seen as the problem and we are punished again. We don’t deserve that. We have had years of conforming. We have had years of watching every single mood, feeling and behaviour of the abuser, picking up tiny nuances, to try and determine if we will be hit, raped or taken to the park. Our life depended on reading these signs. So if we offend you we don’t fucking care. When we eventually find our voices it’s harder to conform. We burst like Janine. So would you. So would anybody who has sex regularly forced upon them against their will. So would you if you had silenced forced upon you.

The perpetrators are not punished. The perpetrators are not seen as the problem. The perpetrators are silently watching in the background planning their move to find the next child to rape. However, the so called state authorities are so busy admonishing how the victims fail to conform to their rules, they force their will upon them to silence them further, resulting in more trauma and more abuse.

When the Handmaids formally say goodbye to one another they use the words, “under his eye”.  It has a Christian meaning in Atwood’s book. It refers to God who is watching the Handmaids in this “blessed” religious society.

It also has a dark undertone, being the powerful human elements who live in the society of Gilead, watching everyone closely with the big brother eye creating fear and distrust amongst one another. People are frightened of being reported to the secret police or the Eye.


There is notable distrust and fear amongst victims of abuse particularly with the authorities and medical profession. It’s a justified mistrust.  The victims are not starting from a position of confidence or strength.  That doesn’t meant they are not strong. They are strong. If they came together they could smash the system.

Each and every victim I have connected with has had very poor experiences with safeguarding services. I believe each story of those victims I have heard. Each of those victims are closely scrutinised by those services and “under his eye ” when they complain.

The state is monitoring the victims when things go wrong to make sure they don’t complain or, if they do, they heavily stifle them. The state cajoles the victims into submission, it blames them and reports them to other authorities, similar to the behaviour of our abusers. These are the people we are meant to trust who are supposed to help us. These are the people who are protecting our children? That fills me with horror. It fills the survivors with first hand experience of abuse and those services with horror.

“Under his eye” is a reminder to the Handmaids that they are being monitored by God Almighty, each other and the secret police. Maybe we are not too far from being “under his eye” when we complain about the police and social services. The police monitor themselves. They monitor us. We are punished. They are not. We are ordered to modify our behaviour. They are not. We are seen as the problem. They are not.

We shall rise. We shall not be silenced. If they didn’t want an army to rise and rebel against them to fight for change then they should not have allowed us to share our stories with each other. So fuck the authorities. Fuck you!

Suicide and me

It’s very hard to explain to someone who has never been suicidal the reasons why you would choose to terminate your own life.

I understand many people have lost relatives to suicide and it must be horrendously painful for them to understand the reason why someone who purports to love them kills themselves. Whilst I cannot answer for everyone else I do believe absolute despair and desperation is the key to the thoughts racing through a suicidal person’s mind. I’m a true believer that we need to be able to openly discuss suicide without fear of the police knocking on our door or being locked up in some institution. Trauma and/or despair leads to suicide and what do we do? Label someone mad, drug them and lock them up!

A paedophile caught and convicted with serious child porn sometimes isn’t even locked up, certainly isn’t drugged by the authorities nor are they labelled mad. Many are not convicted, it’s too difficult, victims are not believed and the abusers are left wandering the streets (no doubt with conditions if convicted and that’s a big if) free to find their next victim. Where is the justice in that? What kind of society have we become when this is seen as acceptable?

There is a much kinder way to deal with suicidal people. We haven’t got it yet. We need to get it. We need to get it fucking fast.

I have met with a friend and laughed with them prior to a serious suicide attempt. Suicide is a cloak with many masks. I know families will blame themselves wondering how they failed to recognise the signs of suicide. Sometimes the signs are not so obvious. In fact, sometimes the signs are exactly the opposite of obvious and, what is portrayed by the media, of how a suicidal person should behave.

In my depths of deep despair I know the world will be better off without me. Regardless of whether or not that is true it is something I truly believe. My father instilled that into me. He definitely doesn’t want me here. He told me. Then he can be assured I remain forever silent and keep my big mouth shut. It’s a hard battle to continually fight. I’m fighting him. I am fighting the authorities and I’m fighting flashbacks and disassociation. It’s a one woman army and I know I will lose.

The authorities give him my address leading him to me, they tell him where I am receiving my treatment and other personal data. They then tell me to change my behaviour to stop being  abused. When I complain about my data breach they call social services deeming me an unfit person because I call them beaucratic fuckwaffles. I still stand by that. They are fuckwaffles. They investigate themselves. The police  police themselves and find no wrong doing in themselves. Social services investigate themselves and find no wrong doing. It’s like a kangaroo court. I point this out.

I am a person who is wanting to terminate my own life because of what has happened to me. So desperate that I try to do so. I have practice runs. Nobody is there to help you. The authorities gave the abuser unfettered access to two victims and justified it as safeguarding!

Medical professionals ask me my suicidal intention often. Are you thinking of suicide?  I am generally honest in my answer. It depends who asks the question.

Depending upon your response they don’t tend to do anything plus, I believe, it is not their business to intervene. I tell them this. It’s all moral and ethics.  I appreciate that other people will strongly disagree with me, I see both sides of the argument, but my personal view is I have capacity and, I have had so many bodily autonomy choices taken away from me since the age of 7, I think it is kinder to leave that choice to me.   Nobody ran to intervene when my father was sticking objects inside of me or having it away with me, which is far worse than not intervening in any life/death choices I make. Nobody is intervening when my father continues to abuse me now so they have no right to intervene. They can all mind their own fucking business like they did when I was abused as a child and recently, very recently.

I suffer from a lot of pain all the time. Everyday I have flashbacks of being abused. I cannot stop them. It’s unrelenting. It’s tiring.

I cannot sleep. I pace the floor. I’m tormented with cruel memories. Memories that were so deeply buried they’re now shooting up to the surface like fireworks screaming to be noticed. I’m noticing them. I can’t fucking miss them. I’m doing more than notice; my mind is commanding that I relive them and I don’t want to. It was horrendous the first time around so why do I want live this torment again?  The abuse constantly replays in my head on repeat mode. I can’t stop it. I smell it, I see it and I taste it.

Being abused and having things shoved inside of me. Being watched. Trying to hide. Blending in not to be noticed. Being noticed. I’m punched, strangled and hit. Fucked.

I am being pinned down. Don’t hold my neck, Don’t hold my neck. My wriggling body held down tightly. Check mate you’re trapped. You can’t escape. This is your life.

Count the flowers on the wall paper. •scream• was it a real scream or did I silently do that in my head? Yes it’s ok it was just in your head. You didn’t make a noise. Nobody heard. Nobody knows. Your dog dies if someone knows. Fifty five pink flowers in that corner of the wallpaper. Lost count. Start again. Not the neck. Not the neck. Don’t wriggle you know it’s over quicker. That wasn’t too bad. Where is  my teddy bear? I need my teddy bear.

My clothes are ripped off. I try to hold on to them. Why do I even do that? Not again you bastard. Why did I fight back. Boom.

Where am I? Fuck my head hurts. Head out of window. Fresh air. Fuck I’m bleeding. Egg on my head. Bruises all over my legs and arms.  Fuck sake. My hair is ruined. Boom. Boom. I know not to tell. I won’t tell. Stop punching me. Boom.

Please stop coming into the bathroom with me. I’m 15 now. Please daddy don’t. Please. Help me someone. Daddy no. Follow the grooves in the floor tiles. How many curves are there?

The porn. I don’t want to watch that with you. I don’t like that. Don’t make me. Nooo!

It’s ok mum I love you too. Thanks for stopping him hitting me. I could hardly breathe. More whiskey? Please don’t drink yourself unconscious again. That’s every night this week. Clothes ripped off.

Please God no. Not that please. No. No more I can’t do this anymore.

You’ve had my body and now you’re taking my soul. I can’t give you anything else. You’ve taken everything from me. Please. If I beg? How do you want me to hold it? Yes I like it. Count the flowers.

Ironing my arms to feel real. I smell my skin burning I just don’t feel it. Are they my arms? Is it my body? Pour boiling water on myself. Can you feel that? Does that make you feel? Are you real?  No. I can’t feel it. Pull your hair out. Feel that? Are you real? No. You need to feel. Why can’t you feel. Bathe in bleach to clean yourself. Dirty. The shame. You should have fought back. That’s what they all say. It couldn’t have happened if you didn’t fight back.

Who is that in the mirror. I don’t know her. Who the fuck is she? I slap my face. I don’t recognise her. *screAm*

I need plastic surgery I look like him. I look like him. I fucking look like him Please don’t let me look like him. That’s cruel.  Take all my tablets. Buy more. Don’t tell the doctor. Buy them from the internet.  Stuff them down my throat. Pass out. Relief. This relief can be permanent. A few more. Only allowed weekly tablets. Stockpile them. Can’t wait. Take them.

Search suicide on Google. Find methods rated 1 out of 100. Choose method. Plan method. No pain when I’m gone. Relief. Flashback. Smell him . Feel him. Collapse. Dog barking in my face. Did I scream? Dog follows me all day.

Will I ever be like someone who hasn’t been abused? It defines me. Do none abused people feel their arms and legs. Do they recognise their own face? I need to ask Mrs Bright. What do I need to ask her? .Bang – I’ve lost 7 hours. Where did that time go? Where the fuck have I been. Shitter where’s my wallet. Where the fuck are some of my possessions. For fucksake.





What have I been doing? Is everyone like this? What the fuck am I doing here. How the fuck did that happen. Stop those fucking memories. They’re killing me. Please.

Contact from my father again. Fuck off.  Aghhh. Leave me alone. I told you you’re an abuser stop abusing me, fuck off. I can do whatever I want to you and nothing happens.  Fuck off. Leave me alone. I dreamt about you hurting me last night. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Police contact me. Fuck off. Change your behaviour that will stop him. Fuck off. Ahhh stop this right now. He hurt me again. Social services. He’s not a perpetrator. He’s not convicted. Here is her address, here is where she receives her treatment and what treatment she is receiving.


Nobody to turn to. Nobody to tell. Somebody help me……

Nobody can save you. You deserve to die. Change your behaviour to stop the abuse. What about him. “Yeah I know but…well….” Well what? What? Mark your records. Is his marked? No. So why are mine marked….I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve this. Remember I’m the victim…..HELP ME!

walls of silence……Anyone, I am the victim?

You don’t deserve to live.

We were safeguarding you. But you gave him my report. We can. We are safeguarding you. We are not responsible. Change your behaviour to stop the abuse. The greater the power the worse the abuse…..I bathe in bleach, taken my tablets planning my final solution….I need to feel alive to do that. I do not think I can ever feel like a normal person. What is that like? What is it like to be human? Am I mad?

* This is what flashbacks are like – intense reliving of past traumas. It is much harder dealing with the authorities and also my father. I am unable to get the treatment I need on the NHS which is EDMR because I’m a suicidal risk. I’m a suicidal risk because of my father and because the authorities release my information to my abuser. They don’t take any responsibility.

I do not think I can articulate exactly how it is for me but at the height of trauma and flashbacks it’s the worst memories that step forward to haunt you. You are thrown back into that moment. You can sometimes taste it or smell it or see it. You can even feel it.

There is a cure that can process this trauma called EDMR. It is administered by psychologists.

Mrs Bright is like the bomb who specialises in this kind of trauma treatment. She’s the equivalent of the psychological ninja. She’s somehow going to go into my brain and kick ass and boot these shitty memories into touch. Everyone needs a Mrs Bright in their life.

I do urge those who are suicidal to do the following things;

1. Contact the following places:

samaritans 116 123 – I have used these often. Fantastic organisation. Some volunteers are fucking outstanding. Wait for that volunteer. Ring back.

2. Napac.org.uk helps adult survivors of childhood abuse 0808 801 0331 lines open 10 am-9 pm Mon-Thurs and 10 am-6pm Thurs. Excellent online information

3. Maytree.org.uk 0207 263 7070 – Maytree saved my life. They operate a 24 hour telephone line plus a respite centre. I am absolutely in awe of this charity and I am going to give it  separate blog. I found it by googling how to kill myself. I stayed here last year and met the most amazing people. This is a progressive place that hits suicide head on- it’s not scared to discuss it and deal with it. There needs to be a Maytree everywhere. 🤛 Ring them and keep ringing them. If you are suicidal pick up the phone. Do it and keep doing it.





The silent army, “hands of hope”

I have had the most horrendous things happen to me and I’m so ashamed about it.

In the darkness hands of hope reached out to me. These are generic hands and specific hands. These hands hold mine, I hold theirs, we have a silent understanding. These hands hold their own horrendous stories of abuse of the most wicked kind.

These victims held their hands out to the authorities for help. Most were scarred for a second time, and some continue to severely suffer, to the point of persecution by the authorities. Remember we are not the abusers. We are the victims. Our abusers are walking around free, ready for the next little girl or boy, and the authorities are so busy persecuting the victims to cover their ineptitude more victims are suffering.

These severely burnt and scarred hands have so much courage they reach out again to hold other victims; victims like me who are being burnt by the authorities after suffering horrendous abuse. My abuse isn’t over. They hold me. They offer a direct line of salvation at anytime of the day or night.

These survivors are truly amazing. One of these amazing women has a Facebook page which educates others, another is active on Twitter after the police warned her to be careful what she said on social media. How is that any different from abusers trying to silence us? They had no legal right to threaten her in this way.

Two amazing men I know talk openly on Twitter and blog about male incest. How brave is that? They don’t hide.

The silent army is coming. We might not have weapons. We might not have authoritative power but we are stronger than you. We will not be silenced. We are coming to get you. We will smash the walls of shame and silence. If you make a mistake you will apologise and rectify it. That’s all we want. You will no longer shame us. You will not bully us. We are done with that.

The Silicon Chip Inside my Head is Switched to Overload

I get enraged. It’s all consuming sometimes. You know the back story by now. I’m abused by my father. My police report was released to him by the safeguarding team. North Wales police tell me my home address was also released. (Is everyone applauding them?) Durham Police tell me that this sort of behaviour is acceptable because it’s safeguarding (the abuser of course 🙄).

Durham Police then called Social Services on me when I complained. They also sent the SWAT team when I said they made me feel suicidal. (I am being cynical using the word SWAT they sent plods- the police don’t get cynicism). They put me in danger and then send the police – ohh there’s a horse running away let’s now bolt the stable door 😂😂🙄

My father’s life is not impacted whatsoever. You know the child abuser.

I’m harassed because the biggest fear he has is to be prosecuted for his past sexual offences. He doesn’t leave me alone. I can’t even begin to tackle the trauma of my father abusing me because I am having to challenge the daily dose of stupidity from authorities as well as harassment from him. It gets very tiring. I do not believe I can continue to beat this challenge. I’m not particularly bothered about being successful either. It’s easier for me to lose.

However what is particularly unfair is that I am unable to discuss with my GP or Psychologist certain current  incidents with my father because their professional ethics would require them to report it to the very people who pass my report to my father! Yay.

I have nobody to talk to and nobody to seek advice from. In the normal course of events it should be reported to the police. Why the fuck would you disclose it to the very people who give your personal address and medical details and private reports to your abuser? I’m abused by him anyway so it is my belief that my father will escalate his campaign of harassment. It’s been escalated anyway. I’m not sure where else it has to go. Well, yeah, I do.

I am unable to disclose it to the professional people helping me because ethically I’m sure it is sticky for them to maintain confidentiality and, despite any sympathy they might have for my situation, they cannot break their rules.  I would not put them in that position anyway.

Once again, deliberately and inadvertently, you’re silenced by the very people who should be helping you (police) and those who are really actively trying to help you (medical professionals).

Some twats decided that abused people cannot make their own life choices and need to be reported to the police in certain circumstances. I fully support compulsory reporting on behalf of children/those without capacity. However, my choices have been removed from me.

The police are aware of my situation just not current incidents.  How does this rule sit with Article 8 of the Human Rights Act? I have the right to a private life and family life without interference. Regardless of whether my choices are those that others might make I still have the right to make those choices.

I successfully gained two Post grad diplomas with Commendation. I was interviewed by The Guardian newspaper. I won awards for my work. My brain did not fall out because my father abused me. I worked with prominent professionals in my field of work. Why do professional bodies assume that I am unable to take decisions for myself and that other people must know better? Why do they think other people know what we need more than ourselves? I have successfully looked after myself from the age of 7.

I know for certain that I would never release a victim’s personal details to their abuser. And they say the professionals know best? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My choices have been limited by the police because of their behaviour which has been utterly disgusting but, with the limited choices that I do have left, I should be able to discuss them with the medical professionals without fear of outside interference. This is particularly important when the police are useless. My case is not unique. There are many stories on Facebook and Twitter of the police further endangering victims. When they shout and complain they’re threatened with social services and removal of their own children. Their own children who they do not abuse, who are not in danger, and whom they would die for! So who is the actual danger here?

Why would rules prevent someone in need having a frank discussion about their situation without fear of outside interference when the only harm that could happen is to me? I don’t understand.

The silicon chip inside my head is switched to overload.

Enola Gay is proud today?

Enola Gay was the name of the aeroplane that carried the “Little Boy” to its destination of Hiroshima in August 1945. The bomber was flown by Captain Tibbitts who named the bomber after his mother Enola Gay Tibbitts. The bomb, which was the first atomic bomb, killed over 100,000 innocent men, women and children and had devastating effects which can still be witnessed today.

The initial impact of the bomb wiped out or burnt 70 percent of the buildings, killed 74,000 people (the rest would die later), killed 90 percent of doctors and nurses and 42 of the 45 local hospitals were unusable. Those that did survive had catastrophic life changing injuries, including severe burns. The effects of radiation would impact generations to come.

I’ve seen a picture of Captain Tibbitts, sat proudly, taken in the cockpit of the Enola Gay before the devastating bomb drop. I wonder what he was thinking when he named the Enola Gay after his mother. I would assume this gesture would be made as a proud dedication to her and her memory. I wonder if Enola Gay was proud of her son when he dropped the devastating bomb on millions of innocent victims?

Clearly I cannot analyse the dynamics of the Tibbitts family but the more I think about the Enola Gay I can see parallels with my own family. My mother representing the Enola Gay and my father the “Little Boy”.

She was the mothership or the vessel that carried me to something so devastating which has had a lifetime impact affecting generations.

I look at my sister who was abused and is now an abuser in her own right. I look at her children who are also victims. One of her children I particularly worry about. My father has access to her children (one under 16) and his great grandchild.

In my family the abusers firmly placed my sister’s failings directly at her door and, quite publicly. They made sure they wrote to her medical team to vigorously defend their position and firmly place any blame for her mental illness down to her life choices.

Of course, she has to take responsibility for her own actions but she is also a victim. I made a choice. I do not hurt or abuse anyone. The devastation stopped with me.  However, I should never have suffered in this way.

At anytime the Enola Gay could have changed course and turned around. It didn’t. That was a deliberate choice.  The moral and compassionate thing to do would have not let innocent lives suffer. I wonder why my mother didn’t take me and change her course leaving the Little Boy behind. Clearly she loved the Little Boy more than me.

The Little Boy was the biggest bully of all not allowing anyone the chance to defend themselves taking so many dreams away. What could have those children and families become without the Enola Gay?

1945 seems so long ago in our sordid historic past that we can ignore the silent voices of victims who will never be heard. We can shut them out. It’s so much easier to silence those voices and remember how glorious Captain Tibbitts was flying the Enola Gay.

WHO is mental?

The World Health Organisation describes mental illness as:

Mental disorders compromise a broad range of problems, with different symptoms. However, they are generally characterised by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others. Examples are schizophrenia, depressions, intellectual disabilities and disorders due to drug abuse. Most of these disorders can be successfully treated.

This is a very divisive definition. The words, “disorders” and “abnormal “ are stark in this definition and do nothing to help recovery which seeks to build the confidence and personal resilience of the individual.

Most of the people diagnosed with mental illness will have suffered trauma or a significant life event. How is having a suicidal thought “abnormal” in the context of being part of a significant trauma? What is “abnormal” emotions or behaviour to this trauma. Is the definition claiming a mental illness is actually abnormal emotions, behaviour and relationships, measured against societal norms to the parallel emotions, behaviours and relationships of people who have not suffered any significant trauma or life events?

That is how it reads to me. It cannot read any other way. For example, if a soldier goes to war and sees her platoon blown to bits she will be utterly traumatised. She might she might not want to socialise because she suffers from PTSD and depression. She could feel suicidal.

How can these thoughts and emotions be deemed “abnormal” given what she has witnessed. Or, is those abnormal thoughts/emotions measured against a supermarket worker, having the same feelings as the soldier, but never experiencing a significant life event?

What about a 6 year old child repeatedly abused until the age of 16. How can they be deemed to have abnormal thinking/behaviours if she self harms or has suicidal thoughts because the abuse was so severe. Is it so abnormal for the victim to feel as if they have control for the first time even if that is to decide whether or not they live or die.

Who actually has the abnormal thoughts? The very experts expecting those who have suffered horrendous trauma to have “normal” thoughts and no depressive episodes? Actually are these thoughts very normal for those people who have suffered trauma?

I would argue it would be normal for those who have suffered a significant trauma or life event to have different thoughts, emotions, behaviours and relationship interactions than those that haven’t. I certainly would not describe it as “abnormal”.

I would raise more concern about a traumatised victim thinking about other things and not addressing trauma. I did. It nearly killed me.

I had a massive breakdown involving a bridge and cabbages (separate occasions-read blog). Is that abnormal? Possibly for someone who was purely disgruntled at cabbage prices but not for someone who had been abused and wholly let down by the system. Even if someone was purely disgruntled by cabbage prices I’m pretty sure that if it made them suicidal there would be other underlying issues!

Quite often this literature does very little to help people like me. It is written in a stale office by someone who has not experienced trauma. How conventional would the author’s thinking be if he had objects shoved in his orifices from the age of 6? Would he be thinking like members of society who had not endured this torture? What if he was told he would be killed, or his family killed, if he told anyone. I wonder how he would feel if he then read a respected article about it and was then told he had a “disorder “ and “abnormal “ thinking! I wonder how that would work for him. It’s abusive in itself.


The NHS have described incest for professionals, including GP’s. They talk about relationships with fathers and daughters. They explain about incest when the victims are girls. Let’s be very clear- a girl is a female child – child –

“Theories have proposed that girls allow the sexual relationship to continue to prevent family disunity.”

I was 7 years old. I was a child. Bin those theories. I did not allow a sexual relationship. It is victim blaming at its finest. How can any child ALLOW a sexual relationship with anyone let alone a family member who is in a massive position of trust?

Here is a link to the article. You can provide feedback at the Bottom of the page. Please do. This is given to professionals. Kids have no chance. Can you imagine a GP telling a child they allowed the sexual relationship.



Since making a complaint to Patient Access they agreed and changed the wording immediately. I’m grateful. Thank you.

Here is the email:

Dear Honey,

Thank you very much for getting in touch and alerting us to the wording on this leaflet for healthcare professionals. The clinical team agrees that it needs amending. It will be updated today.

Best wishes,

The Patient Team


Theories have proposed that girls may feel powerless to take active steps to end the abuse for fear of disrupting the family unit






The numbers game

I love my iPhone. It’s really clever but unfortunately it’s not infallible. Mine recently broke. My ankle gave way, the resulting dislocation threw me to the floor not before I watched my iPhone, in slow motion, belly flop screen down to the floor.

The cracking sound was devastating. Screaming “fuck, fuck, fuck” mourning the £600 I would have to now spend on a new phone was just as painful as the dislocation. I was the first woman to the moon without a rocket as I nursed my painful joint.

Anyway, the impending disaster in my life called for a new phone. When you get a new iPhone it stores all your information into (onto) a cloud (I know right!) and it automatically transfers data onto your new iPhone. I’m in awe. It’s amazing.

Unfortunately for me, it transfers all those pesky telephone numbers I had deleted from my old iPhone to my new one. You don’t really think about it because it just happens. All your numbers are there- even the ones you had deleted from your old telephone because they were stored in the cloud.

I decided to make a telephone call from my phone in the car. I was desperate for a massage. My body felt the urgency as I was so stressed. I’d recently had a really bad time.

My phone can connect to my car so i can make legal hands free calls. I get pissed when I see people on mobile phones and driving. Absolutely no need with today’s technology.

I scrolled down to the right person in readiness to book a session. I hadn’t had a massage for so long my tired stressed body was screaming it was well overdue.

Then I saw his name. It was a massive shock that threw me. I wasn’t expecting to see it. A flashback. I’d mentioned it previously to the police. Briefly. Not in any detail. I couldn’t. I struggled to speak about things. They had spoken to my friend about him. My friend had met him as well.

My friend knew he was one. My friend didn’t know what he’d done to me. I gave the police his name. I could only remember his first name. I can remember trying to wrack my brains thinking of a surname or other identifying features.

I wanted to help other children. I didn’t know where he lived. I knew his name. I knew where he went on holiday. There were other things I knew. He knew I knew. I knew he knew. That silent understanding that sometimes is not silent. He’s one of them. It never mattered what I wanted. My father always made it about what he wanted. I asked my father to ban him from the house. There was a flat refusal. I begged my father to ban him from the house. I had a glimmer of hope that he might.  Why am I so stupid like that? He refused to ban him. He didn’t care. I berated myself for even thinking he might.

I went in a field that night and screamed. Nobody heard me. Nobody ever hears me scream. No matter how loud I shout, nobody hears me. It’s like I am a mute.  If I whisper I’m silenced. If I scream in a field I am ignored. Sometimes I think about screaming in the city. I am sure I would be ignored. Can you imagine screaming in the middle of a city and people walking past and ignoring you? Welcome to my reality.

When I was booking my massage I saw that number on my phone my mind disassociated. I had a horrendous flashback. Even writing this post I’m having a flashbacks, intertwined with panic attacks, then I disassociate. I have to keep coming back to this post in the hope I complete it.

My memories swirl back to him, my father and the abuse I received as an adult. I still continue to receive that abuse. Then I’m thrown into the chaos and the pain of the abuse I received as a child.

My mind is becoming overwhelmed with everything and it’s being overloaded. It’s like I have ten thousand drums banging in my head where I’m trying to decipher each individual sound wondering which one is the most important one to listen to so I can find the answers I’m seeking. I’m torturing myself finding the one sound, or the one drum, that might be able to free me from this torture forever. Is that possible?

Nothing makes sense. It makes no sense a father abusing his daughters. I can’t understand why my mother didn’t intervene. When I was given grand gestures or gifts, really expensive gifts, were they real? By that I know the gifts existed but what was the sentiment behind them? I received gifts as an adult as well. Was that also to silence me? That’s another story.

The man who’s number came up on my phone was a teacher. I told my father I did not like something he had done to me. I asked my father if he would stop him coming to the house when I was there.

I was told very aggressively that he could do what he wanted and that I had no say in such matters because it was his house and he was a “friend.”

My father never had friends. My father had acquaintances. He is desperate to be liked and ingratiated himself with others but he doesn’t have “friends” . He aligns himself with associates but doesn’t have friends. This one was closer than the rest and it concerned me particularly given what they do and where they go.

Today I’m having those horrendous abusive flashbacks. I can’t stop them. It’s replaying over and over in my head. I have to free myself from the confines of the house.

Everything is in slow motion. I look at my hands and they don’t feel like they belong to me. My legs feel disjointed and my brain feels like it’s looking down on a body. I don’t recognise my face in the mirror. I am beginning to lose my identity.

Who am I? If I looked up abuse in the dictionary would I find my name? Is that my defining factor. How do we become other things rather than the very thing that is trying to kill us? It makes no sense.

Mrs Bright tells me my mind disassociates to help me survive the horrendous things that have happened to me yet I want to kill myself? If that’s not fucked up I don’t know what is?

It’s like the mind is playing a big joke – float away to fantasy land through the actual bad parts of the abuse, now just so you don’t forget the mind bundles them together like a compilation album with all your best bits in a flashbacks (or many several flashbacks like mine). The flashbacks are the worst parts of the abuse played over an indeterminate period that you can’t control.

The fucking marvellous mind 🌟🌟🎉🎉

The Cabbage interlude

Once I was so poorly, when I had my breakdown, I threw a few cabbages in my local supermarket. It was those sweetheart cabbages.  They have a pointed end and you can launch them. I didn’t hit anybody and nor was I aiming for anybody. I think I had just had a breakdown.   Despite clearing the odd pensioner out of the vegetable aisle nobody cared.  Nobody reacted at all.  I had lost the plot launching sweetheart cabbages around my local supermarket.

My friend telephoned me during the terrible vegetable debacle incident requesting my whereabouts.  When I told him about my cabbage launch he reacted as if it was a normal occurrence. It isn’t, but it interrupted the vegetable shotput.

Google is my friend and I tried to look up why I threw cabbages. I couldn’t find that reason but I found some very interesting facts. William Howard Taff, and American President, had a cabbage thrown at him during a speech.  And, I found a wonderful site on Vegetable Puns – can you believe that someone has spent their time creating this? It has to be the best internet site ever!

Vegetable Puns

Thank you punpedia on vegetable puns

Durham Police

Durham Police have made my situation worse again. If releasing my police report is not bad enough for them! The report was released to lots of  different parties under the guise of safeguarding my mother. However, the content related to me.

The information in that report would not even begin to safeguard my mother. It was a carte blanche release of my personal data. There was no risk assessment or safeguarding measures in place for me when that report was released. The report that ended up in the hands of the perpetrators! Well played.

Unfortunately victims of sex crimes are not told this prior to speaking to the police so they are unable to make informed choices.  This is unfair and quite frankly, insulting, to all those women and men who have suffered some of the most terrible crimes committed against them. I hope that in twenty years time we will look back at victims of abuse and actually hang our heads in shame.  If not, we should.

I have complained to Durham Police about the was treated, and also appealed to them, that my data has been released by them which ended up in the hands of the perpetrators of the crimes committed against me. The response to my complaint was offensive. Of course, they denied any wrong doing and apparently under the guise of safeguarding they can release your police report to whomsoever they choose. However, they did explain that they will not be held responsible for the actions of another police force in Wales who they released the report to. They are responsible.  They did not need to send all of that data in the report. It would not safeguard my mum. Normally people get redacted report. This report contained warts and all. It even contained information relating to a lady who was not even related to our family. I am sure she will be over the moon!

I am currently dealing with so many different authorities given my police report was passed to so many other bodies that I politely requested they contact my friend. It was making me feel suicidal. I had been through enough. I was told by one of the bodies they could do what they wanted as my father was not actually a perpetrator because he had not been convicted of a crime…this was a social services in Wales. I was extremely unwell.  So, in response to my request they send officers to my door because I feel suicidal.

I feel suicidal because I was recently abused, my data was given to him and the response from all the services involved is incredible. It’s ok each one will get their own blog detailing their fuckwittery.

Then Durham decide it’s ok to email me after I told them not to contact me. They contact me requesting my views on how they could improve their communication and services. Are they for real?  I fired an email off to them in utter anger. I’m having flashbacks, my abuser is still contacting me and nobody is doing fuck all and they want to know whether I am happy with their service? Are they for real. I sent an email calling Durham Police bureaucratic fuckwits. I will post some of the email to them at the end of this blog

Today, I get a telephone call from my son’s headteacher stating that Social Services want information about him. Durham police made a referral. I explained to her the whole situation about the data release. She knows my father is a naughty boy. She knows I am protective over safeguarding my son and we had already put safeguarding measures in place in the event my father came to the school.

She is incensed and refused to pass details to the social worker giving me his number instead. She said she has absolutely no concerns over my son. My son is incredibly funny, balanced, fluent in two languages and is well integrated with his friends.

She tells him she will get me to contact him directly. If the Headteacher had concerns she would speak to him particularly if they rang her with concerns. This headteacher and school are extremely caring which is why we chose it for my son. She also would know whether there was a concern and she genuinely loves those children and cares for their welfare. She would be the first to raise a concern if it was necessary. In fact, I am sure this Head teacher would get the caretaker to ninja kick anyone that hurt any of her children. She is genuinely a caring, passionate teacher. She does the job because she truly is a caring lady.   The police are clutching at straws.

I love my son. I would die for my son and my son is not at risk. My son has never been at risk and, had he been, then he would have been referred earlier. This is absolutely bully boy tactics by the Police: I will not give the police my home address because they released my data.

The worry was my son’s school and GP was out of area from our home address. They cannot protect my son so I have to. The police report was released to the perpetrator, he had sent people up to harass me. My solicitor told me to move imminently and I did so! The police then query why my son’s school and GP was out of area to a home address they do not know?  My doctor is registered in the same county as the school but different from the home address. However, that GP accepts referrals from a particular catchment area outside of their county if they had done their research. Furthermore, children can go to school, particularly faith schools, outside their catchment area. This was important to us personally.

I have never put my son in danger. I would die for my son. I am not like my mother or my father. I am still being abused by my father yet they don’t go after the paedophile rapist they go after me when there’s concern because my son is educated and has a medical doctor in a different area to where he resides despite them not knowing where I live? Why don’t you put all your energies into persecuting the actual criminal rather than victim? Is it because you make me feel suicidal you referred me? Do you want my energies concentrated elsewhere or do you want to tip me over the edge?

Social services didn’t even open a file. They could see the ridiculousness of the situation. The school are not concerned about my son. His father is not concerned. His father worked in public protection. I’m not concerned and remember I’m also a person with the ability to judge a situation. Even my Gp is astounded at the behaviour of Durham Police.  It seems everybody is surprised at their behaviour- except Durham police. Who is Policing the Police?  The answer is: The Police

By the way when you complain to the police it is considered by someone working for the police and the appeal is considered by someone in the police and, on both counts, they do not change their mind.

Do you think if my father was hurting my son I’d stand back? He likes little girls but regardless I would do everything in my power to stop him. Why don’t you stop the perpetrator? Is it because you cannot so It’s easier to persecute the victims.

I wonder why people don’t report this sort of thing 😏 It’s a fucking shocker

This is victim care, this is how Durham Police treat victims of sex abuse and crimes.

Sexual abusers will say I was abused as a child so that’s why I abused. It’s the biggest load of lies and shit made up by abusers to get sympathy. It’s a paedo lie.

If I had my car and ran you over you’d know how much it hurts. Why then, would you get a car and run over your child knowing the pain?

This lie stops victim’s speaking out because they worry about their children being removed, or others see them as a bad parent. Durham Police making a spurious referral to Social Services (although of course I will be wrong as always) helps paedos fulfil this utter lie.

1. They release my data and it’s given to the perpetrators of the crimes against me

2. I am then harassed and abused further

3, I have to move and change my phone number

4. I’m told that I need to modify my behaviour and change my email address in order to stop being abused

5. I’m still being harassed and treated like shit from the police, the safeguarding authorities and my father

6. I complain. The responses are humiliating, legally incorrect, offensive and blame me

7. I tell them to contact someone else who is willing to correspond on my behalf as I am unwell and suicidal: This is on advice of my GP. I have PTSD. Durham police release a press release about an officer with ptsd and claim to be understanding (sides splitting with laughter)

8. Police send police to door. Speak to friend not me about my suicidal thoughts. Friend says I’m massively let down by police. Police scurry off but do not speak to me at all. 

9. Durham police send me an email, disregarding my wishes, wanting my views on their communication and service.

10. I fire off an angry email. They do not listen. I also contact via chat their information line to tell them to leave me alone. I explain my father is still abusing me, I am unwell and I need that Department to leave me alone. I am told that they will pass my message on. They do not request any details of further incidents. They don’t care about them.

11. Durham Police contact social services

12. Social Services do not open a file.

13. #i will not be silenced

I would like to say that I have met a handful of very good officers who are on the front line. A few have been very helpful and kind and it would be good for those higher up to learn from those actually on the front line about behaviour toward victims.

The leading cause of child abuse

I’ve read so many different theories about what makes a person become a child abuser. What drives someone to abuse a child. So much focus is placed upon the abuser. It’s such a despicable crime that society seeks answers, excuses even, for that kind of behaviour. In the words of Father Ted, down with this Sort of thing!

I’ve conducted my own survey and believe that I have the answer. The leading cause of child abuse is…… child abusers. The leading cause of rape is….rapists. It’s quite easy really.

I wanted reasons why he did that to me. I asked him and I got laughed at and this made me feel utterly humiliated. If we cannot get honest answer from abusers, and I doubt that we ever can, let’s stop seeking them. The only time you might get an answer or reason why they abuse is in mitigation in a child abuse case in order to lessen a sentence. Again, benefiting the child fucker.

I keep getting flashbacks. The flashback is when I am a small prepubescent girl. I am having objects inserted into my vagina to make it ready for the car to be parked. Of course I didn’t know that was going to happen. I can remember being laid naked and held down by my stomach. I can feel the pressure on my stomach and the seering pain being soothed by the very man who was hurting me. He was telling me that it wouldn’t hurt. It hurt.

How can you do this to someone in pain. What is the pleasure for you? What is the pleasure for a grown man. This was my driving lessons. Ready for the real test. Ready for the car. The driving test I wonder if I passed or failed. I don’t know the answer to that.

This flashback is driving me crazy. I don’t think I can survive this one. I have this memory constantly and it keeps me awake at night. I pace the floor. I disassociate during the day.

And the safeguarding team pass my data to the man who did this to me under the guise of safeguarding. I am treated like shit because I get fucking angry.

I have this flashback whirring in my head. I made a suicide attempt. I’m ready for another. My abuser has contacted me. I can’t contact the police because they give your details to sex offenders and I’m sick of that kind of thing. In fact, I’m so annoyed with the Durham Police and their response I tell them not to contact me directly, it’ making me suicidal,  but if they need to contact me they can do so via my friend.

Less than three weeks later I wake up to a fucking email from Durham Police asking how they can improve their service and communication. Is it a sick joke? I wonder if ticking a suicidal box makes my “do not contact me you’re making me suicidal request”, anymore effective. I couldn’t give a fuck about their service I’m not a disgruntled customer who has purchased a fucking pineapple that’s a bit rotten – you released  my details which ended up with my abuser and then tell me I need to change my behaviour to avoid being abused and, in the meantime, I’m being abused. Fuck off. Put this on your Facebook page.

The leading cause of child abuse is child abusers.

The leading cause of bureaucratic dickheads is dickheads.